This is about to be one helluva brain dump.
It’s been a long time. Too long. So long, today I reached a point where I’m seeing my procrastination as damaging, not working for me, creating more anxiety and stress and something I get to beat up on myself about. Writing this blog is one of those things I have on my daily list of “I need to do this, shoulda done it weeks ago, I see I keep putting it off, what’s one more day” stuff. These things are getting in the way of my serenity BIG TIME and it’s time to let them go.
I’m behind on posts, so I’ll back it up.
7/11/16, week 15.
On our call, I told Anjali about this new book I got (after seeing a friend posting about it on FB) “The Joy of Less” and it’s been changing my world already. The new goal this week was to start eliminating things. Set a timer for 15 minutes 3xweek or discard one thing each day to trash or donate. Nothing too crazy – one drawer at a time, not trying to tackle a whole room.
Also, resume meditating because I’ve completely stopped doing it. Anjali emailed me a google spreadsheet to log my 5 minutes of meditation each day and the time of day I did it. This has been going well and I’m keeping it updated. Also on the spreadsheet I put notes about what decluttering I did that day. If I don’t keep it updated at least every 3 days, she will check in on me to keep me accountable – which is what I need, I perform better if I’m reporting to someone else. Supports me in keeping my integrity with myself.
Anjali noticed how I was beating myself up over the bedtime issue… cuz I still struggle with getting to bed by 10 or 11. Food truck life has my schedule all over the place and then I’m upset with myself for not being able to be in bed when I made my life so that’s not possible… how jacked is that? I am getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, just not the ideal 8 hour time frame of 10pm-6am. I am mindful to practice self care with my sleep as often as possible – i.e. if I get to bed late and am able to sleep in til 8 or 9 to get in the extra hours, schedule permitting, I take that extra time and sleep.
My notes from this call:
- Learning to drive… did I start on the freeway or in an empty parking lot? Meditate a little each day. Start slow.
- 3xweek purge something. Drawer, under bed, shelf, bathroom. Items I don’t use have stagnant energy and blocking the way of other things.
- Write blog! (and now that’s getting done.. see? Procrastinated on it 2 weeks, documented. LOL)
- My thoughts before taking action… anything negative? Find a positive energy. What do I want? Focus on THAT. Visualize.
- Taking actions outside of myself that I’m not happy or proud of and say I want to change. Eating sugar... Saying I need to start exercising… if this is what I want, observe what INSIDE is triggering the action. What is the thought behind it? What do I want to accomplish or create for myself? The things outside of me don’t bring me relief. ****After lots of reflection on this, I’m starting to see what it is, I think… wanting to feel different. From a sugar rush or exercise endorphin release, there’s something inside wanting to feel different. Somewhere other than where I am, my current state or environment. Why? Not too sure... perhaps the belief that just BEING isn’t good enough? Sitting in the space I’m in isn’t adequate or fulfilling enough? Need to add some external actions to change how I feel, cuz this moment isn’t enough? Hmm. More to reflect on for sure. And there’s that “enough” word again.
- When I worry about business, most often I see a drop in business. When stressed I don’t think as well, mind is fuzzy... and the stress repels things. I see it’s hard to let the energy flow and abundance come when my mind is all wrapped up in “what ifs”.
7/18/16, week 16.
Reflected back on the prior week… and I love how Anjali always says “so tell me what’s new and good” because it catches me and gets me to focus on positive things… most times, my brain is already in a “oh shit you didn’t do all your goals this week” and the self abuse has begun. She is so good to get me to focus on the WINs and not my damn toaster. (Not sure if I’ve blogged to y’all about what my toaster is… will share that sometime. Some of you know… in a nutshell, it’s the code word for how I single out the things that didn’t get done and hyper focus on them, rather than acknowledging and celebrating all the things I DID get done. I have a habit of making lists of epic proportions that aren’t attainable and set myself up to feel like a failure.) The purging went well this week, did my drawers and cleared out 2 garbage bags of clothes. Didn’t purge one thing EVERY day, but that’s ok. I made progress.
Notes from this call:
- Anjali pointed something out… every physical item has energy. When it’s not used or stored away, outta sight outta mind, that energy becomes stagnant and it blocks things from flowing in my life. I can TOTALLY feel that. Every physical item in my view demands attention. My eyes fall on it and I process what it is, where it came from, do I use it, will I use it, damn that’s dusty, I wonder if someone I know might want that, maybe I should donate that, and it goes on and on in lightning fast speed. But yet I walk on by it… without dusting it or using it, but my brain is still on it. This happens for me all day every day. Man, I should really organize that... or wipe that down… or, or, or… and all that does is drain my energy, add more stuff to the infinitely long list of things to do in the back of my head. I instinctually process my surroundings for safety and to be aware of what is in my space… and with all this stuff, it’s a LOT to process! Seeing how less STUFF will give my brain less to focus on!
- During meditation if my brain wants to think, focus on affirmations. I am peaceful. I am full. I am happy. Say them as if I am already, without anything from the outside. Focus on these thoughts.
- Morning ritual: Wake, drink 8-16 oz water, do morning yoga exercises to help with poo. Pooing is so important. I’m thankful that since I’ve gone mostly vegan, my poo is like clockwork each morning. (PSA: If you don’t poo every day, please see a doctor. Gluten or something else may be an issue for your guts, it’s healthy to poo daily.) Regardless of my regularity, Anjali pointed out it’s important for gut health to do these basic yoga poses to help with the flow. **Admittedly, the first week I watched the video she sent a few times, but didn’t do them – didn’t have the time before I needed to go! Lol.. we covered this again in next weeks’ call.
- Blog: new – do 5 exercises. **See, AGAIN I made a note to get this blog done, and didn’t do it. Boy howdy, this procrastination has been intense!
7/24/16, week 17.
This was a tough call. I’ve started seeing all the chaos I’ve created in my life and how my commitments have been a total time vampire and I claim they are all consuming… but are they? Feels that way… been feeling resentful and wanting to pack it all up and do something drastically different, just to get away from all the stuff and the noise. The political climate has me very uneasy (to put it mildly) and my surroundings aren’t comfortable. The energy is thick and not a vibration I like. I’m scared of the future, really. I’ve been focusing on my own space and the things I CAN control in my world, to feel a little more secure and safe… and the desire to purge material things to free up space and energy, living more simply without all the visual stimulation of stagnant stuff I don’t use, these are external actions of “letting go”.. but Anjali dug deeper. What else do I need to let go of? Besides material stuff? If I want to let go of things and live with less, what I am trying to accomplish? How do I want to feel, having done all that? What’s my goal? When decluttering my bathroom this week, I stumbled across this little note card I got from an Al-Anon buddy. Oh how perfect the timing. It is now on my bathroom mirror for a daily reflection.
This is a very deep question that’s had my mind spinning all week. On the call, I could only think of a couple of things like services I’m paying for that I don’t use/need. Things I can turn off and save money… cuz ultimately, my goal is to be able to survive on very little because ideally, I won’t NEED a lot of money for anything. Sure, being totally financially set would be great and I can travel and never have to worry about bills… so I’m working my ass of NOW so I can retire early. (At least, that’s the idea… pay things off so I’m out of debt and only need a little money to maintain.. and enjoy retirement while I’m still young and able to do a bunch of stuff.) Other things I’m starting to see are clouding my energy space and my mind, blocking abundance and feeling free: Assumed obligations, things I feel I should take control of because I know I’m capable. (Just because I CAN, doesn’t mean I SHOULD. These things consume so much of my time.) Commitments I made that aren’t serving me. Agreements I subconsciously or consciously made with myself that now have me feeling anchored, suffocating. My obsession with other peoples’ lives and thinking up my own solutions to their problems (thankfully I have a 12 step program for that – Codependents Anonymous – and I finally got back to a meeting the same night as this call, it’s been months since I’ve gone to my meetings and OMG have I felt the difference. YIKES.) I have so many thoughts and beliefs that really aren’t working for me anymore. SO many things to let go of, Anjali… so many.
"Codependence is a deeply-rooted, compulsive behavior." And I'm ready to let it go. Being back in a meeting was what I've been needing. I never should have left. Thankful to have found my way back, those meetings help in ways I can't explain. Those that know...
Today is 7/31/16 and it’s the first day off I’ve had in awhile. Been going non-stop between insurance, BNI and Falacos for last several weeks and I’ve been exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Just kinda numb, really… Woke up today, had some coffee and continued reading “The Joy of Less” on the back porch for a couple of hours. Got inspired, purged some things, experimented with some chickpea donuts and sat and wrote a list of “looming things” I need to get done. Things that are important and I think about EVERY DAY, and beat myself up over because they are still undone. DAMN TOASTER AGAIN!! GAH!! After thinking about it, I changed the list name to “things I procrastinate on” because that is a truthful title without the negative connotation of “looming”.
Today I decided one of the things I need to let go of is procrastination… because it’s slowly killing my mojo and passion, thereby keeping me depressed. I’m overwhelmed to the point of short circuiting every day, living on the beat up bus and I just FREEZE. I get a “fuck it all” attitude and just want to check out and watch TV. I now know this is anxiety – the feeling of having a mountain of things to do and it being so heavy, I choose to do none of it to avoid it all. But it’s STILL THERE. There is no escape. My only solution is to start tackling this list one thing at a time, just like one drawer at a time, so I can be FREE.
Accountability time… my list of “things I procrastinate on”… time to get real.
- Write blog
- Do the digestion yoga exercises daily
- Catch up Ben’s bookkeeping
- Clean out my ckw email (it’s over 500 now, most of which I’ve read from phone just haven’t cleaned out outlook on work computer.)
- Declutter house, a little each day.
- Visit grandma
- Visit Vanessa (Ben’s older sister who’s fighting brain cancer right now)
- Turn off services I’m not using
- Meet with Fitz and get her all access to Farmers site and FB so she can do posts and manage content (but first, I gotta gather the info to give to her, that’s a step in itself).
This list overwhelms me because each thing will take quite a bit of time to do. The challenge is to let go of the statement “I don’t have time” and take ownership of “I don’t make the time”. Cuz that’s the truth. I get 24 hours a day, just like everyone else, and I choose what to do with it. Period. No excuses.
Today, no toaster. I will celebrate the fact that I finished my book (it’s been FOREVER since I actually finished a book, start them but never finish) and I’m excited to start becoming more of a minimalist (hell, I wanna live in a tiny house and travel around in a school bus, so I better start parting with all this stuff!), I tried a new recipe, I made a VERY important list and have already knocked off the first thing on the list by sitting down and writing out this blog. BOOM. One day at a time. Slowly but surely, I will make change happen… and I’ll be happier. Tired of being on that beat up bus, so I must train my brain to celebrate, pat myself on the back and say “dude, you kicked ass today, look at all the great stuff you did!” and not focus on the rest of the list. Be realistic, Courtney. Yes, I own 2 businesses and I’m involved in a helluva lotta stuff and I somehow think time grows on trees… Easy does it. Eliminate. Create space and stop procrastinating. Or should I say (to keep it out of the negative) – I am peaceful and have good time management. I let go of things that don’t serve me. I am ok doing one thing at a time. I am happy with what I accomplished today. I am productive. I am free of worry and dread. I am full. I AM ENOUGH.