Friday, September 16, 2016

Week 20. A week to dream.

Grateful this morning I have some personal time before Falacos time and I get to use my morning to do some yoga, meditate, have breakfast and quality time with Benny and settle in and catch up on my reflections. Life is good. :)

On week 20's morning call, Anjali and I talked a lot about my focus and where it takes me. I've been working on practicing self care every day and honestly, my daily efforts haven't been all that... when I'm so busy with Falacos, my self care kinda goes out the window and I don't take care of myself til the day is over. It's like I'm in work mode for 8-12 hours and never stop to focus on my physical or mental needs.. and making the time for myself feels almost impossible.

Since opening Falacos, most of my focus and anxiety surrounds money. It's been a fun but rocky start in this business, learning how to be flexible with weather and truck issues, having to spend money I didn't have/want to spend to keep business going. I know things won't always go my way, and being flexible is a key component to my serenity. I noticed something different about my 2 businesses... Insurance business, I don't worry about money and the money is always there, bills paid, all is good and we are growing.  Food truck business, I ALWAYS worry about money and the money continually seems to elude me and go away. Huh. INTERESTING.  When I trust it'll be there, it will be... and when I don't, it seems to be just beyond my grasp. Something to seriously examine and flip the switch on.

I noticed having music on all the time is really helping me ground and get back into my body. I'm mindful to have it playing when I'm doing food prep by myself - keeps my mind happy and helps me stay focused on what I'm doing and not rolling through lists in my head.

I'd been feeling kinda numb inside, not all too energetic or passionate... burnt out, maybe. Not feeling like my purpose is right in front of me anymore. I really started seeing how my lack of self care had brought me to this condition. Just going through the motions every day and hoping enough money came in to cover bills is NOT what I started this for... this is not  how I wanna do things. My focus got twisted.

Anjali gave me an awesome assignment this week.... to DREAM. What IS my ideal schedule? If I could work any schedule possible, what would that look like? For my business and for me?  What schedule do I want to keep and am I hitting my target market? What time of day or days of week do I want to work? She also asked, am I honoring my own energy? If I lack self care, my business reflects it... my outsides are a direct reflection of my insides.  If I am busy busy on the outside of me, swirling in chaos all the time, I am really sad and low on the inside and wondering, why am I doing this again?  However... when I am grounded, stable and focused - THAT is the foundation I want for my business. How to make it successful? It starts with me.

She asked me to close my eyes and do a little meditation... clear my thoughts and then picture my truck, Evelyn. What do I see? I immediately started crying because what my mind showed me hit me to my core... I saw my truck, so bright and beaming an intense yellow light - and she was trapped in a cage. I knew something major is holding me back, holding my dreams back from becoming reality - and it's rooted in my self care. There's something I'm not getting, some piece I'm not applying to my life and it's impacting my results. I kinda already had some ideas on this, what I need to start doing to initiate this shift in my world, but I committed to taking the week to really reflect on this and decide exactly what my dream schedule would look like, including all the self care I need.

Anjali also pointed out something that made perfect sense... I've been wanting to call and connect with some doctors and hospitals, making new friends with professionals who know about a plant based diet and what it does - but these calls are something on a long list of "hey I wanna do this stuff for my business" and everything on that list is a priority but none of it is happening... it's something I want to do, but right now, I am lacking the focus and peacefulness within to be drawing these people to me.  My chaotic energy can be transmitted through a phone call and if I don't 'have the time' to be making these calls, these doctors won't 'have the time' for me either.  This makes perfect sense to me - I must put out what I want to get back.  I need to chill, find my focus, meditate for awhile on WHY I am reaching out to these people, what do I want to accomplish with them? Really stop and think on this for a bit... and don't call them until AFTER I go on vacation in a couple weeks.  It's important to approach people with a peaceful and positive energy.

For those following along, here are my daily 'self care shares' up through Week 20's call, which was on 8/22. The realizations I've had in this 30 day exercise have been really something... and they're totally getting me to see - IF I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL, SELF CARE IS REQUIRED.

Day 5. Overslept this morning and was late to networking meeting. Did well - didn't panic and get in a crazy chaos rush. "I'm already late, don't freak out, I'm never late for this, take your time, don't speed either."
Went to chiropractor. Got worked on and in vibrating heated traction chair for 20 mins. Almost got a nap. This is a self care thing I do once a week, have been for about a month now.
Then found out Dawn is coming!!!! HOLY SHIT it's been too long. We get to hang and catch up - last 2 times we've seen each other in the last 2 years we staffed Basic together and didn't get much US time. It will also be the first time me, Dawn and Storme Hannan Xoxo get to be in same place same time. What a trip, our Pathways family is gonna be together.. To love on our old friend Kate and her family on Sunday. It's gonna be so wonderful, I was cryin big crocodile tears when it started sinkin in. To the support givers and receivers, THANK YOU.
Did a bunch of other errands nstuff, then went home and had a 2 hour nap. Had lots of things to do, but still so tired. Starting to think I may need some iron and other minerals, likely depleted from all the sweating I've been doing. Having to tell myself it's ok to rest.. Slowing down isn't easy for me. Reminder: I'm allowed to rest and guilt is an option. I can choose compassion and patience instead. RL 6
My name is Courtney Weidner and I am a dynamic, intimate, decisive and limitless woman. My purpose is to create a patient and loving world by teaching others acceptance and compassion. *sigh*
Let it begin with me.

Day 6. A full day. Ended it by trudging through and crossing something else off the procrastination list - reconciled 2 months of bank statements for 4 accounts and paid some bills. REALLY didn't want to, but getting something crossed off that list feels good. One less thing. Fighting the urge to procrastinate some more was heavy. RL 7
Tonight, dark chocolate and Cutthroat Kitchen.

Day 7. First day with new Falacos employee, Nora. So far, she's everything on my wish list. Even bilingual - Bulgarian and Russian. Such a cool chick, vegan, universe sent at the perfect time. This learning to let go and trust thing is getting easier. The universe provides it all if I trust myself enough to try what crosses my path. This involves taking my head off. Lol
Needed support getting home, had to drop truck off for weekend event, called a friend and we did dinner. Was so good to catch up.
Started a new book today, Proteinaholic. Already loving it.
Had moments of solitude today but didn't ground.. In hindsight I was in my head a lot today, had many things to execute by certain times. Will be practicing this on the couch here in just a minute. House to myself.
Tried a new face conditioner tonight.. liking it.
Biggest self care challenge of today - letting go of the condition of my house. Dawn comes tomorrow and I've got the usual dust and cat hair everywhere and I'm not gonna clean it. Too tired. Dawn, you get me and my dirty house. Lol (I know you don't give two shits anyways so easier to let go.) RL 6

Day 8. What a love filled day. Surprises and lots of laughs and hugs and catching up... Still more to come. 😊
Self care came tonight when I decided to NOT hit the grocery store on the way home for supplies for tomorrow. After an 11 hour food truck day, my ass is spent. Will get some sleep, then hit the store in the morning. A healthy procrastination. About to shower, hit the couch for a bowl of cereal and an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen, then rest. Only one more day of food truck crazy and will get to enjoy Sunday with my closest peeps. Sleepin in Sunday is gonna be so fine.
RL 2. I'm tired enough that ENOUGH, is enough today. Not much of a risk to postpone the shopping.
TWCI: Happy and blessed.
Update: That shower.. The little voice said "you can shower tomorrow too! Ben's not home, can go to bed dirty, it's ok"... And no it's not ok! My ass been sweating all day, covered in oil and funk and I suddenly had huge resistance to taking a shower. RL 7 cuz I really wanted to procrastinate a shower too. That urge was WAY strong. So glad I pushed thru and did it anyways. Now, I can really relax.

Day 9. Home very late, was hungry so had some cereal, stayed up til 4:30 talking with Dawn. While staying up late may not have been a good physical self care choice, I was busy tending to my heart and soul... so full and happy. RL 3

Day 10. Set alarm to sleep in til 12:30. Knew I'd sleep later and we had benefit to attend today. Took advantage of as much sleep as I could. Splurged at live auction and treated myself to a Starbucks basket and a Yankee candle basket of goodies. Money went to a wonderful cause, so that helped me to spoil myself. I frequently have buyers remorse when buying things for myself. RL 7

Day 11. Had about a 3 hour nap for sleep last night, took Dawn to airport, came home and took another nap for 2 hrs before my lunch appt. No real risk there... I was beyond tired.
Went to both al-anon and CoDA meetings tonight, feeling peaceful and free.
Tonight I'm cooking myself a good dinner and will be going to bed soon after. Very tempted to veg out on couch for awhile but I know I need to take care of myself and get sleep. RL 6

Day 12.  Went to chiropractor this morning, got some good exercises to do to help with tension. Will be doing them again here in just a few.
Decided late in day I wanted to hit another CoDA meeting so I texted a friend and we went. Not my usual meeting so was good to hear experience, strength and hope from new people. RL 5
Home, ate dinner, jammies, couch... Now for some exercises and cake.

Day 13. Today was weird. Have felt in a fog all day. Slept hard last night, didn't move at all and woke up in sweat. Coulda kept sleeping for hours, plan to catch up on sleep this weekend for sure.
Asked Mom for support on some work stuff, totally took a load off my mind. Sometimes I get confused ("I have difficulty identifying how I'm feeling" - CoDA) and feel guilty for passing the buck, rather than seeing it as delegation and asking for support. Hmm. I woulda kept it to myself, continued procrastinating and beating myself up for not getting it done when she could easily do it.
What do I get out of not delegating/asking for support?? Yet ANOTHER thing to stay on my list that I get to beat myself up over. WTF?! What IS this shit?! RL 7
Set a new record - ended food truck day at scheduled time, cleaned and packed up, parked truck and got home in under an hour. Even got to kiss Benny goodbye before he left for work. That's EPIC. *happy dance*
Ready for some jammies and dinner. And Cutthroat Kitchen. I swear I'm addicted to this show. Lol

Day 14. Noticing when I'm thick in Evelyn all day, I make few opportunities for self care. Hmm.
I had a badass meeting with Sherri and a potential new client today. Ate a filling lunch today. Eating is a chore I have to make time for. Sales better today, didn't rain on me. Thankful. Home now, about to eat some leftovers, laundry goin and I'm ready to melt into the couch.
Seeing where I live in chaos all day, disconnected, monkey brain on a million ideas and shoulds... Struggling to be in moment. Being honest with myself about where I am. I don't like what I see. Then the guilt because others I know are in a really bad spot right now. Training the brain to think happy thoughts and be grateful. RL 6

Day 15. More mindful today. While driving, chopping veggies, whatever it was, I was sure to keep my focus on the task at hand. Strayed a lot but brought my attention back, soon as I caught the drift.
Made sure I listened to music today. My spirits are more charged when listening to music while working. Need to make this a thing. Music enhances the "this doesn't feel like work" feeling I naturally have while on the truck. Today was fun and I got a lot done. I sang and danced a bit, too. Such a difference.
Spent some time in office after working lunch gig and cleaned out emails. HOLY SHIT I got my main email down to 27 unread. This is HUGE to have done that - that email is an anxiety trigger for me and I just cleaned it up big time. It was over 300 again. One more thing off the procrastination list. Celebrating this and feeling more than enough. RL 8

Day 16.  Enjoyed myself while working Falacos at Houston Pagan Pride Day. I loved being around my tribe - old guys with rainbows and blue hair, women openly and comfortably breastfeeding in public, acceptance and love for all. Such an amazing group of spirits. They loved the food, too.
Home late, showered and finally sat down after midnight. A very long day.
Washed sheets before bed so I'd have clean sheets to sleep in on. RL 6

Day 17. Slept in til about 9:30. Numb arms and thunder woke me earlier than I wanted.
Spent afternoon with Mom and Aunt Bridgett and visited Grandma. It was so good to see her. She's getting more frail and memory not what it was. I'm glad she's in this new home with 24 hour care... She needs it.
Came home and was overwhelmed with "shoulds" staring me in the face. So loud. But Benny was sleeping and I wanted to stay quiet. I grabbed my new book and sat on the back porch reading for about an hour. Realized I was feeling sleepy so laid on the couch. Cats laid on me and in minutes I'm OUT. Woke up about 8:30 when Ben got up. A long nap and a day full of wants and no shoulds. This day of rest is what I needed. No judgment. No guilt. RL 9

Day 18. Today was a powerful shift.
Had call with coach Anjali this morning.. I swear, I cry every time we talk. She helps unveil things, awareness I can't describe. Today I shared with her my realizations about my self care and how it lacks and how the last 17 days of self care challenges haven't been big ones. Not really. Yesterday was the first biggie so far, and only because of the guilt I felt for doing what I wanted instead of what I felt I should. And being ok with it. I've not started changing behaviors that really enhance my self care. Why? Cuz that would be hard. DUH.
We also discussed self care and how it's tied to abundance and if I don't honor myself and practice good self care, making myself my number one priority, how am I really shining? How can the universe give me what I want if I spend all my time worrying about money or other people? How can I truly give myself to others if my well is empty? I know better.
I admitted my realization about money worry... How it doesn't exist in my insurance business and it thrives.. But I fear loss of money in my food truck and money seems to escape me there. Plus, I focus and stress on money rather than being grateful and feeling passionate about owning a business I created to inspire and educate people. I didn't do this for the money, I did it because I believe in it and the message we are getting out there. So why has my focus shifted to a fear of losing money?
She had me do a meditation today... Visualizing my food truck and what did I see? What did it look like? I instantly started crying from my closed eyes... My Evelyn was glowing bright yellow and she was trapped in a cage. It took my breath away. I suddenly knew... My next level exists beyond this lesson of self care. I'm not gonna soar until I get this straight. I am limitless but if I'm not loving myself through actions of daily self care, I'll keep hitting walls.
Had a wonderful dinner with Diane tonight. I appreciate our friendship so much and the conversations we have... I see new things and get ideas and I'm excited to journal on my next exercise from Anjali - writing down what my dream schedule would look like. A routine of self care and working and everything I wanna make time for... What does that look like? I'm about to find out. Coach Bob asked me to do this last year and I was floored to stumble across that piece of paper TODAY. Last year I wrote out my "dream" work week starting 12/1/15... And that's EXACTLY what I have today. FREAKY. So... Now it becomes my daily schedule, all day long. Specifics. If I write it down, it will manifest. It's happened enough times for me now, I know how powerful that is... Time to get to dreamin. RL 8