Monday, January 1, 2018

New beginnings. Cuz 2018 is gonna be awesome. :)

I can't believe an entire year, MORE than an entire year, has passed since I last posted a blog. I mean... wow. This is one example of something I do - start good habits, then drop them. Whyyyyy do I do that? "The why is the booby prize." It's true. I think that if I understand the WHY, then I'll somehow be more accepting of those habits and change them? Meh... no... I think it's a way I can stall my progress and avoid change. Self awareness has hit some new levels this past year, and I'm seeing stuff loud and clear. LOL... and it's a GOOD THING.

2018 is gonna be different - because I want it to be. Not because it NEEDS to be or because I think I SHOULD.. but the WANT is there. It's time and I'm ready. Scared shitless, but ready.

I never did make my last post to give props to Anjali Gadre with Inner Bliss Studio and all she did to help me in 2016... so props come now!  Anjali is an INCREDIBLE person. Peaceful and calm, her bright energy and light and non-judgmental nature is undeniably attractive and I'll admit - I wanna be like her. For Anjali, life is an adventure and every day a gift. She lives in this way and it shows me what "being present" can do for peace and serenity. Plus, her yoga and meditation practice - I want emulate her. Her mentoring with me planted seeds that grew in 2017 into some self-care realizations and inspired me to take action in changing how I think. She showed me that I am truly an extrovert and I've been denying it, staying small for most of my life and only in these last few years have I begun to embrace what being an extrovert really means... it's not about being loud and the center of attention - it's more about recharging and gaining energy by being around other people. And for me especially, when I'm able to interact with others on a positive subject or higher purpose, I REALLY get energized!

Anjali's coaching helped me to understand what it means to accept the present and what's happening around me, even if it seems chaotic and crazy and impossible to get through. I'll never forget saying the words "... my life is about to be really chaotic.." and she replied with "Does it have to be?" and that STUCK. No, it doesn't have to be. Not ever. Only if I jump right into that energy and lose myself in the "chaos"... it's not, really, it's just what's happening right now. Staying present helps me stay in this moment and understanding what I have control over and what I don't... and not jumping ahead to solve "problems" that haven't yet happened.

2017 was a roller coaster of epic proportions. I can't begin to tell y'all how much of a significant impact Anjali had on my life - her wisdom and mentorship gave me the perspective and insight I needed to walk through 2017 in light and believing in the positive, always. She prepared me at the PERFECT time, little did I know then, and I look back and smile at the absolute perfectness of it. And how perfectly everything happens, just like it's meant to. :)

My last post was November 2016. At the beginning of January 2017 I had a major life shift... could be considered mass chaos? Old me would have seen it that way... my food truck engine threw a rod and my truck, my dream, my Evelyn, was essentially dead. Long story short, I took things a day at a time. I got support from my mentors and family and didn't give up. I accepted what was happening to me in the moment, even though I couldn't understand why. There is no good/bad, there just is... and this was what was happening in that moment.

In the 4 months Falacos was at a standstill, I was able to spend that time with family. At a precious and well-lived 90 years old, my maternal grandmother, Colleen, transitioned to the other side in February. Her actual first name, Evelyn, was the namesake for my truck and within two months, they both were gone. This was a heavy, heavy time. In March, we lost Ben's older sister Vanessa to brain cancer. She struggled for 2 years and finally got her release. Needless to say, the first quarter of 2017 was the roughest I'd seen in a long time.

My Evelyns.

Grandma's 90th Birthday, 12/28/2016

Stephen, Vanessa, Will, Ben & Marian, way back when...

The 5 siblings, together in Texas, 4/2010
I was able to use my tools from Anjali during the time to make sure I took care of me. I was a wreck, y'all.. truly. Dealing with loss of my own, trying to support Ben and the loss of his sister... it was a dark time for awhile. I'm grateful I was able to accept what was happening and see the perfect sequence of events... I needed to not have a food truck in operation during this time. I needed to have that forced downtime so that I could be with family and take life easy for a bit.

The other benefit of the unexpected business pause was the opportunity I got to review what I was doing and what was working and what wasn't. I'd been losing sight of my purpose, y'all.. I'd lost my "why am I doing this?" because I ain't gonna lie - #foodtrucklife is HARD. It's very physically demanding, especially in Texas summers. Dehydration is a serious thing! Long days are long - an 8 hour event is easily a 12-14 hour day from start to finish - and it's a non-stop hustle to keep a full calendar. During my break, I reassessed what I was doing and if I wanted to keep running it so hard... the answer was emphatically NO. LOL... I'd been chasing events for "publicity" or to "get my name out" and as a result, I was exhausting myself. It wasn't working, so it was change time. :)

Despite all the seemingly negatives happening around me, I was determined to find the light in all of it. I really believe Grandma put some of her love and energy into the rebirth of Falacos - cuz this time around, it's sooo different. I was very blessed that things worked out the way they did and I was able to get a new engine put in Evelyn. Our girl had a new heart and she was ready for my new vision with Falacos - road trippin to events!

We were back on the road again in April and this time, Falacos is all about the FUN! Working less and playing more and wouldn't ya know it? More profitable. LOL... go figure! When I stick to my purpose and stay in love and playful mode, success follows. When I retreat to fear and chasing money to cover bills, it eludes me. Hmmm... seems I've learned this lesson before, but was having to re-learn it with Falacos. So be it, lesson learned!

June was my month of wild goals, obstacles, letting go of expectations, trusting myself to know what to do in the moment and just rollin with it. Result? AWESOME EXPERIENCES!!! Only did 2 big events in June - went to Graham TX for the Food Truck Championship of Texas with my peeps Nicole & Courtney (thanks y'all for being a part of Falacos' virgin road trip!)

Courtney's and Nicole. :)
 and then took off the following week to Berea, KY for Playthink.

Evelyn in the hills of Kentucky!
During these trips I encountered "chaos" aka "all my planning didn't do me any good, had to make a new plan in the moment" and ROCKED IT. Several opportunities to freak out - produce froze, driving through wicked rain, transport truck didn't work out and had to drive Evelyn 900+ miles, coolant hose leaked and required surgery in Auto Zone parking lot, Evelyn got stuck in the KY mud,

almost gave myself heat stroke, etc - but hey, I didn't freak out! My husband and friends and mechanic and everyone who cheers me all along the way, are my core support system and without them, I don't know what I'd do... I am overwhelmingly grateful to everyone who played a part in these adventures. You guys are my tribe!

Big lesson I learned in June - When I live free of expectations, the result is a life of surprises and gratitude. I had sales goals for the Food Truck Championship - and when I didn't hit them, I sat in disappointment. Rather than CELEBRATING the awesome day I had, I was frustrated that I didn't hit an unrealistic goal. Why was it unrealistic? Cuz we almost sold out of food and there was NO WAY I would have hit that goal. Well then... why be upset? Big popcorn moment for me. Going into my next event in KY, I erased all sales goals I had and replaced them with ONE goal - HAVE FUN! And FUN we had! It was a blast and I learned SO MUCH about doing a 4 day festival off the grid while camping. Food truckin is hard - that was even harder! But we rocked it! Huge thanks to my friends Colin and Dawn for spending the week on the truck and hangin out and cookin with me. :)

Falacos crew at Playthink 2017

While we were in KY, and thanks to my Mama for helping us find the place, we took a detour before our drive home and found my family cemetery. Haven't been here since 1989. We spent some time hanging out with my grandfather (who I never met), Mamaw, and my Daddy. Ben asked me about some of my favorite memories and I shared stories. It was a surreal moment that fit perfectly with this year.

Compton family gravesite
July was hot as hell. 2nd summer with a food truck and official lesson learned - people don't like going out when it's hot. LOL.. the food truck peak seasons are definitely March-May/June and September-November. Grateful for the family trip we took in August - went up to Oregon to catch the solar eclipse in totality.  I will say this - I SOOO WANT TO DO IT AGAIN. Y'all, totality is a TOTAL TRIP and indescribable. Yes it gets dark and colder and you can see the eclipse in the shadows... and I felt funny. Prolly adrenaline and excitement, but I was kinda dizzy and shaky... it was the neatest nature thing I've ever experienced. Highly recommend you catch the next one!

2017 solar eclipse nearing totality - seen in shadows
We had an awesome time with family (thanks Dad & Ann!) on the Oregon coast and flew kites, had family meals, went to Alsea Falls, played games and combed the cold windy beach. Towards the end of the week, we learned a little hurricane had popped up in the Gulf and wouldn't ya know it - our flight home on Saturday 8/26 was cancelled. We immediately rebooked for the next available flight on Monday 8/28 (haha if you know this date) and I accepted our delay home and decided to make the most of it - took our extra day and found us another waterfall to visit! Again, thank you Anjali for the gift of staying cool in the seemingly "chaotic" opportunity - why freak out when I can go see Multnomah Falls? (Fun anecdote - Anjali visited this same waterfall earlier in the year.)

Extra day of OR vacation - Multnomah Falls
For those that know the story of Hurricane Harvey, there was no way we were flying home to Houston on Monday 8/28. The entire city was underwater at this point and more places were starting to flood due to overflowing lakes and reservoirs. The city was in a terrible state and thousands of homes and businesses had flooded - even the airport. Another great opportunity to freak out... but didn't. We ended up catching a flight to Denver, staying in Denver all day long, then flying to OKC, renting a car and driving the rest of the way home. While in Denver, we stayed glued to our phones, watching our neighborhood flood via Facebook and the pictures our neighbors were posting. Our hood went under mandatory evacuation due to the San Jacinto river flooding.. thankfully, the water made it up this high but not a single house in our hood took on water. It was incredible we were all so lucky. We finally made it home mid-day Tuesday.
Main drainage in our neighborhood, during Harvey and at normal level
The next few months were Harvey cleanup time. It was really awesome to see my fellow Farmers Insurance family pull together to relay supplies all over the state to the areas that needed them the most. I volunteered my office as a drop site and received donations from Austin and Wichita Falls and relayed them over to Beaumont, Buna and Shepherd. Falacos was able to do some work with the Red Cross and delivered meals to Little Cambodia in Rosharon, TX. The area of southeast TX that was under water is hard to fathom. It was HUGE.

Prior to Harvey, some food truck buddies and I had been talking about forming a non-profit organization for food trucks, one that would bring trucks together with a common mission - helping each other and our community. With the sudden tragedy that struck Houston, our idea was immediately put into action. Lena (Skye Café), Danielle (Jamaica Pon Di Road) and I knew Houston would need help in the months and years to come, to help recover from this massive storm. Together we formed the Women's Food Truck Organization. In the last quarter of 2017, we were able to participate in 2 great events - the Festival of Hope in Katy, hosted at Willow Fork Drainage District's Central Green Park  and in December, WFTO organized an event to take free toys and food and holiday cheer to Canyon Gate subdivision in Katy. It was a phenomenal day! WFTO will be doing more awesome events in 2018, aligning with other non-profits and raising money for great causes!

The end of 2017 has been enlightening. Benny got back on a health kick in September and it inspired me to have some bloodwork done - for the first time ever since switching to a vegan diet. I'm pleased to report that all my important stuff is in optimal ranges. :) Cholesterol 144, HDL 76, LDL 54, Trig's 70, glucose 86.. the big question for vegans - B12? Amazingly, it was only borderline low - only about 2 points - and that's without any supplements. My folate was also a smidge low and my oleic acid.. so, as per my doc's recommendation, I did a 2 week detox.

Fortunately, this detox wasn't too extreme for me, since I'd already given up most things - the only things I had to stop were fried food, all sugar and all caffeine. No coffee was rough! But I did it... did a 2 week detox over Thanksgiving and learned a LOT about myself. At the end of Thanksgiving weekend, Benny and I discovered we have a new love in the exercise department - mountain biking! We have started riding some trails and LOVE IT. Adventuring in nature and exploring the woods? All about it!

Biggest lessons from this 2 week detox? When I make a commitment and keep track of it and am accountable via a daily check in - I see success. When I plan meals and prepare by shopping appropriately and making time to prepare meals and eat them - I see success. When I look at these activities - and exercise - as rituals of self love and self care - I see success.

Over the Christmas holiday, our first year without Grandma, we decided to take a destination holiday trip outta town. Huge thanks to my mom for finding this amazing cabin in the Ozarks and for starting a new tradition. Travelling for a holiday is awesome!

Cabin in Blue Eye, MO on Table Rock Lake

Me & Ma, Christmas 2017
On the way home from this trip, I read a new book and it's opened my eyes to a reality I'm examining for myself in my own world. 2018 is gonna be the year of my life as a science experiment. The book was about ADHD and what it really is and what causes the symptoms. I've always questioned why ADHD is a thing, when it didn't exist 60+ years ago and what has changed so much? This book answered MANY questions for me and gotten me to look at my own life and my own self discipline.

Huge take away for me? My relationship with television and what purpose it serves in my life. My relationship with my Facebook app, and how that serves me... or NOT. I have so many things, activities, projects, self care routines I want to start, say I want to start, but don't... and I see where I use TV and Facebook to distract me from these things. How I use mind stimulating things to zone out, relax, wind down... when they really have the opposite effect. My mind is on, ALL THE TIME, and I'm wanting to use myself as a guinea pig to check out some theories I have about my own mind stimulation and the tasks I choose to do.

2018 is going to be a year of self care. An entire year of a new practice, many activities I've picked up in the last several years, and now will be fusing them all together. Meditation, eating right, journaling/blogging, daily accountability, weekly planning of meals, workouts, work and play time, having goals and writing them down, unplugging from electronics when not work related, assessing unfinished projects and getting them done one at a time... all these activities and tools I KNOW work well for me when I use them. Time to use them all simultaneously and see what happens.

I had no intention of writing this book when I started, LOL... but obviously, I needed to brain dump the last year. And I'm leaving out a whole lot of things... I took several trips this year. Washington DC and Amsterdam in February, Chicago for Pathways in May, Burning Flipside for Memorial Day, Graham TX and Berea KY and Cincinnati OH in June, Fiesta Texas for some roller coasters, Oregon in August, Key West in November and Blue Eye MO for Christmas. I have found that I LOVE to travel and can't wait to do even more next year! I've also spent a good chunk of this year downsizing and embracing more of a minimalist lifestyle. Watched the documentary Minimalism and learned a lot about myself and my relationship to physical things. I've purged so many things from our house, it feels so much lighter already. Our next big goal - selling our land and getting a moving truck to build a tiny house in and starting our travel adventures on the road!

While 2017 was a year of death and disappointment, it was also a year of love, adventure, acceptance and hope. Lessons, gifts and opportunities around every corner, and I know 2017 was preparing me for the excitement to come in 2018. I am ready to be in the best shape I've ever been, physically stronger than ever and also loving myself more through my actions and mental self talk. 2017 was a powerful year and I'm positive 2018 is gonna blow the doors off... cuz, well... I want it to, so imma make it so. :)

Saturday, November 26, 2016

Week 23. Relations with food.

I had a craving for some pizza, so I ordered pizza. No cheese, all the veggies. For some reason, this time, my body reacted in a new and unpleasant way - HOLY MOLY the SWELLING! Pretty sure I gorged on quite a bit of salt, there... I don't think I'd ever been so bloated and tight. Couldn't get my rings off and when squatting it felt like my thighs would burst. Sooo not a fun feeling. Fortunately, this reaction to my food coincided with my 23rd week call with Anjali.

When bloated and body retaining water? DRINK WARM WATER. All day long... the body needs it to flush out everything. Thankfully, that little tip from Anjali was JUST what my body needed!! Spent all day drinking warm water and could feel a big difference by bedtime.

We got on the subject of food and how much it can influence my physical and mental state. Everything has energy... and the manner in which food is grown, harvested, stored, shipped, prepared and served ALL play a part in how my body receives that energy and puts it to use.

If someone grows their own organic veggies in their backyard and prepares them in a home kitchen full of love and family and the chef loves cooking, that food has one kinda energy.  If crops are mass produced and covered with chemicals, harvested early, pumped with preservatives for a long shelf life and stored in a box until someone in a restaurant whips it up like a robot (cuz it's just a job and maybe they don't love cooking)... that food has a very different energy.  Like Anjali pointed out... food in a box? It's energy is so depleted, it's nearly gone.  Processed foods might be cheap and easy to prepare, but the quality? Meh. Fresh food is definitely more beneficial to my body.

"But Anjali, I'm soooo busy, where do I find the time to eat better?"  And I remind myself of this meme... The concept of "time"... Haaaaaaaa. There is THIS time, this moment, and I know it.

So this is the point in my life where I get to look at my choices about food. How do I plan for it? Do I? Not really. Kinda like right now - I'm hungry, unprepared and thinking about microwaving a bean burrito because it's cheap, easy and quick. Sure, it'll satisfy the hunger craving.. but the quality? What awesome energy is coming out of that frozen, processed food? Sigh... I know the answer.

I find it ironic that I will spend hours and hours every week, making food from scratch, loving what I do because I'm putting good REAL food out into my community... but when it comes to my personal time and what *I* eat? It's rushed and unplanned, mostly. I admit, I don't make the space in my schedule for meal planning.  There are so many reasons why I know I *should* be planning meals - cost, ease, quality, diversity, nutrition - and really only one reason why I don't... I don't make the time.

With my busy schedule, I also tend to look at mealtime as a distraction, something in my way because I have to stop what I'm doing to pause and feed myself. I've viewed stopping to eat as a pain in my ass, which isn't a very fun or happy feeling to be having towards the very thing that helps me LIVE. lol... air, water, food... KINDA important. LOL... and I know it should really be at the top of my "things I need to practice for ultimate self care" list. Now is the time I get to change the way I look at food for myself.

I GET to change the way I look at things, thankfully!! All about changing my mind.

Meals are a ritual, something I GET TO enjoy. Something I GET to slow down to experience. Something I'm BLESSED with, living where I live. I don't go hungry. I am blessed with abundance around me - a store on every corner, produce where ever I go. I have the gift of the internet - any recipe I could possibly imagine just a google search away. In other cultures, meal time is a BIG DEAL. Businesses close down, families come together and a lot of time is spent cooking, eating and enjoying the meals each day. What a life!! And why don't I have that? Because I don't slow down. I don't make it a priority. I've been rushing through meals as if they are an inconvenience to me.

When switching to a plant based lifestyle, I discovered a whole new world of food and a way to eat. Preparing food at home became necessary and it was a new adventure. I've slipped away from that over the last couple of years and gotten lazy.

I'm proud to report that this week, things have been different. I took time off of BOTH businesses so I can slow down, plan some delicious meals for Thanksgiving and be with family. This holiday weekend has been absolutely wonderful, focused around food and family. I want more of this in my life. I wanna do Thanksgiving every week! :) Our leftovers are almost gone and it's time to plan out some meals for next week. Making one additional home cooked meal per week is a start and an attainable goal. It starts today... cuz I'm really jonesin for some vegan pho. Mmmm I know what's for dinner!

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Week 22. Counting butterflies.

One of my most favorite places in the world is Panama City Beach, FL. The beaches there... OMG. It's pretty affordable to get a VRBO condo right on the beach.  That beach is my happy place, the one place I can seem to really let go of work (thanks to my ladies being so awesome to take care of stuff when I'm gone) and just be present and breathe.

This year was really big for me because now I was having to mentally set down TWO businesses. No work, no emails, no talking about work... it was a time I could truly check out and just be present in the world for a few days. This was a somewhat melancholy trip because I knew I was about to say goodbye to an old friend... this vacation would be the last time we'd be together.

Week 22's call with Anjali was on 9/12/16.  This is a really big day for me... I officially quit smoking again. Cold turkey... because I've gotten to the point where I know, it's a mental decision for me. I can put them down just as easily as I picked them back up. I've been smoking off and on since I was about 16 years old. Hard to explain to someone who doesn't smoke, but I LOVE smoking cigarettes. I know it doesn't make any sense - they are harmful to my health, cost money and smell bad. But there's something about them... it's crazy. My higher consciousness observes my mind's voice that says "BUT I WANT TO!" like it's a little child, throwing a fit because it wants one. The internal battle with myself has been exhausting.

For quite some time, Anjali at Inner Bliss Studio has been supporting me by asking me the question - What is it that I'm really craving in those moments? What feeling am I going for? What just changed that prompted me to want one?

I've been observing this within myself and I've come up with some realizations:

1. It's my ticket/permission to have a break from my current situation/environment or a reward for finishing tasks/a job... altho, I recognize it's a self destructive "reward". Why have a reward that's harmful? Hmm.

2. I think my body craves the somewhat increased heart rate, feeling like I'm doing something "productive" on my break... hell, why not meditate or do jumping jacks to get the little body rush and pulse going? I don't exercise so my heart rate doesn't go up very often... this may be a totally subconscious craving, as my awareness does know I need to be doing more physical exercise to keep myself in the best shape possible as I get older... smoking is the mind's way of interfering and confusing the message. Taking the easier way to getting that heart rate up... cuz my mind hates the idea of physical exercise.

I knew I needed to do something different to quit this time, I just didn't know what.  The moments of craving, those times when I would usually have one... I had to do something different to get a new result of being cigarette free.

On the way home from Florida, I finished a book, Proteinaholic by Dr. Garth Davis.  One of the things we do on road trips is Ben drives and I read aloud and then we kinda talk as the book goes along. I really love those times. :)  At the end of the book (which is SO powerful, btw... I gotta write a blog on how that book changed my life), Dr. Davis talks about how he focused on his "why" when he was wanting to change his meat eating lifestyle.  Wanting to be there for his kids and be healthy and agile and all that stuff later in life... He knew his reasons for wanting to change, just as I knew mine.

I know how powerful it is when I write things down... they tend to come true.  So I decided to write out my "why" list of why I'm putting them down for good this time. It's time. And I told myself I would carry my list with me everywhere and if I got an urge, I would meditate on the list, change my environment if possible and allow the urge to pass. Fortunately, this worked because I still haven't had one. The list now lives on my bathroom mirror so I can focus on it every morning and solidify my decision.

This call with Anjali was pretty emotional for me... I adopted a new little mantra to replace the crave thoughts. If I get stuck in a craving and don't change the mental channel, it will be hard to get through... I get to choose if this will be a hard thing, or not. Quitting smoking is hard! IS IT?! It is if I think it is. BAM. GAAAAAH!!! Popcorn. 

New affirmation: I am full of self love, my mind is clear and I am peaceful.

My mind has gotta be stronger in the positive direction, choosing self care and rewards that are healthy and good for me. The mind wants a cig, the intellect/higher consciousness KNOWS that's not a good decision... it's time my world got in alignment.  Integrity looks like ONE VOICE. No more mind vs. intellect and internal arguing. Time for peace. 

Anjali also reminded me - no more beat up. The past is the past. It can stay there. No more reliving the story and beating myself up for past choices. The time is now and I'm doing something different today and that is to be celebrated. 

Something else amazing that happened on the beach... I became aware of how many butterflies were flying by. All going from west to east and all different kinds. I kept seeing them, so I started counting them every day. This practice kept me totally grounded and mentally on that beach... I saw hundreds in that week and counted nearly a hundred on the way home. The butterfly gives me so many messages... I can morph and change. Such a purpose in life, to flutter through the breeze in search of pretty flowers. Living life to appreciate the beauty, because really... what else is there? My reality is what I choose to think it is... and I know this.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Week 21. I'm a badass.

I have this friend, Dawn, who gets me on levels most people don't see... she and I are connected in in-explainable ways, definitely some subconscious stuff in our relationship. We are able to say things straight up to each other, as if we are talking to ourselves. Some say we look like and act like sisters. She lives in Ohio now but the miles don't matter - we met when she lived in Vegas, so... a long distance relationship has always been our thing. When we do get together and physically see each other, it's like it was yesterday.  This visit to Texas was no different.

Dawn gave me some feedback when she was here... she noticed what I said to people when talking about Falacos. When giving the story or explaining how it all happened, she noticed I didn't take much credit or really own what I've done. When I thought about it, I realized... It's because it really hasn't sunk in yet. I don't think it has. The idea of "I know I made this food truck happen.. look at it there, I did that... and now I run a food truck business".. I know that is exactly what happened, but have a really CELEBRATED what I've accomplished?  No, I haven't. Because it's not perfect yet... I'm still figuring stuff out so it's like it's not ready yet, even though I've been open four months. I don't ever slow down enough to reflect back and look and say "damn... I'm a badass!"

On my week 21 call with Anjali, I reflected back on my coaching session with Bob last Tuesday (this was after my powerful call with Anjali on Monday, realizing where my focus has been on worries and she asked me to dream about my ideal self care schedule). I've got the details of that coaching session in Day 19 of my self care posts down at the bottom of this blog, but a big take away from that day (combined with Dawn's recent feedback) was - I have a hesitation in believing I'm a badass. I don't slow down enough to sit in that feeling and be happy with what I've created. This week, it's time to say to myself "I'm a badass!"

I also mentioned the whole 80/20 thing.. cuz I wondered, if I spent 80% of awake time being aware of my mental focus, energy and attention on self care and 20% of my brainwaves on other stuff, how much more happy would I be? What could I create at that level of ultimate self care as a ROUTINE? Anjali pointed out if I want to keep doing things, I need to work out a plan that includes my self care.. I must make the time for it if I want to be successful.

An example... Using my phone.  If I want to use it all the time and have it be there for me when I need it, I must stop at some point and put it on a charger.  I've got to make sure I stop and recharge, too.

Right now, it'll be awesome to shoot for 50% self care/personal time and 50% work time. Ideally, my long term goal is to get to 80% self care/personal time, 20% work time. A 2 day work week?  I'd LOVE to get to a 20 hour work week. That's a goal.  The way I see it, if I want to make it so, I can find a way to spend 80% of my time with family, travelling, building our home and with the other 20%, kick ass and take names while running my businesses - I can make that happen.

Like Anjali advised, I must do one step per day to get closer to my goal.  Like...

  • Start my day with yoga. Get grounded into my body and not in my head, first thing.
  • Allow myself time to work on something and get that in my internal dialogue. Say to myself I will work on something from this-time to that-time and then stop. The importance of stopping the project on time - tell myself, 15 minutes before the end, start winding down and ground myself again like post-yoga feeling. 
  • **Try yoga first thing in the morning for just one month and see what changes. (and I still have yet to accomplish this. Time to get my shit together.)

On this call, Anjali gave me such a powerful statement, one I KNOW will be stuck with me til the end of my days... because it made such perfect sense.  Now, I still have yet to change my ways... but I'm not getting down on myself about it. Change takes time. Starting new life long habits takes practice. Repetition and mental re-programming will eventually stick and I'll have a new daily practice.

She said... It's like brushing your teeth.  When growing up, someone showed us how to brush our teeth. We do it in the morning and before bed and it's something we do because it's good for us. It promotes happy and healthy teeth, right? It's a self-care practice we started doing as kids and it stays with us our whole life. I keep doing it because I know the WHY. I know the importance of doing it, so I keep doing it to stay healthy. Same goes for yoga. I'm already aware of some of the benefits (still have yet to unlock what happens when it's a daily thing) so I know the WHY.  It's good for me, mentally and physically. So now, I get to work on incorporating it into my daily practice, just like brushing my teeth. Simple and PROFOUND. Thank you, Anjali... I'm making this happen.

Goal this week: Do some yoga. Find some videos, check them out, try it in the morning.

These are the rest of my daily self care posts in my Pathways group... next call with Anjali is 9/12 when we get back from vacation.

Day 19. Started my day by announcing I'm changing my chair from insurance to catering in BNI. BIG STEP!! Went to chiropractor, got worked on.
Had about 90 minutes alone with coach Bob today. Had a REALLY amazing conversation. Observing why I self sabotage and do things like stay up late when I know I need to be up early and why I cave to the voice inside that says "I can do what I want!!!"
I heard Sue in my head today... What are you getting out of it? I shared this with Bob and he gave me some feedback I needed to hear.
He knows I don't celebrate well and I focus on tasks undone. I keep going and going and stopping to eat or rest doesn't come naturally. He pointed out I go go go because I like to feel like a superwoman. Look at all this stuff I can do! People say to me often "I don't know how you do all the things you do" and on some subconscious level, there's a piece of me that says "yeah, cuz I'm a fucking badass." But yet I don't care for public praise or recognition.. I just do what I do and even if people weren't impressed by it, I'd still be doing it because I crave that feeling of creating and being productive. I feel like a badass deep inside but don't consciously celebrate it. It's a very odd disconnect. I celebrate by doing more and trying to create something else. This usually backfires and brings more chaos in my world.
I'm seeing a huge lesson in reigning in the acts of doing that aren't effective or are wasting a lot of time and focusing more intentionally on doing things that will take less time and bring bigger results.
For example..
My purpose with Falacos is to make a ripple and impact people through education and inspiration - sharing Ben's story and the success he had and our dream to show the world how tasty plants can be. When I park somewhere and open my window, I'm touching only one person at a time. Instead, how do I reach LOADS of people at once? Ideas include the franchise and supplying the 5 local hospitals a vegan and GF meal for patients with dietary restrictions and now, possibly having packaged lunches for sale in grocery stores. I don't know the "how" yet and Bob caught me trying to figure it out right then... he stopped me. I don't need to have all the answers in this moment, only take the time to consider my limitless possibilities and dream. How can I work less, reach more people and have more time in my day for self care? There will be a way.
Both my coaches are telling me to dream and visualize this week, and stop with the details of how it'll come to be... Just imagine. I'm really in awe right now and my brain is swimming with ideas. Bob told me today I'm not a doer - I'm a visionary. People will help make it real for me, I just need to have the idea and put it in motion. And he's right... I'm the idea guy. I realized today, I'm good at running a business... I love teaching people and empowering them... but my true gift is the visions I have and the courage to manifest them.
It's been a really big day. All my eyes are open. RL 10

Also realized I'm in alignment with what I wrote and hung on my mirror in February..."immersed in self work, Al-Anon, CoDA, Pathways, Bob, Anjali".. For the last 19 days, I've been doing just that. Back at both meetings, weekly coaching x2 and now this self care challenge... And the popcorn is finally popping.

Day 20. Spent some time today reflecting and reminding myself - I'm a badass. Realizing there's some belief inside that says "I can't admit I feel like a badass, that'd be conceited." Never want to come off as cocky or righteous.. Confidence is a blurry line for me. Starting to focus so it becomes more clear. RL 6
Today was my 5 year anniversary of attending advanced. What a fuckin trip that week was... Never expected what would happen next but I'm so grateful it's all come to pass. Shared my memory post today and looks like I have a couple unexpected friends interested in the next Texas Basic.. Time to add to my wish list. 💕

Day 21. Woke and enjoyed coffee and read a book on the porch. Continued my "badass" chatter throughout the day. Had a successful lunch shift. Made it home before 8 and Benny had a warm meal ready. I'm fed and now gonna shower and relax. Will hit the hay earlier tonight, got another full day tomorrow. Nothin big on the self care today.. Tired, so gonna tend to that and rest. RL 2
Edit: It's 10:30 and I'm in bed, about to read a book. Haven't been to bed this early in a long time. Reading a book > watching tv, when it comes to my self care. No Cutthroat Kitchen tonight. RL 5

Day 22. This morning was challenging. Ben had a really funky energy and was griping and bitching about something, first thing in the morning. I hadn't even had my first cup of coffee and I knew I didn't want to be an audience for any of it. He was pretty pissy.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was firm, a bit curt, and something along the lines of "I can't do this right now, I'm trying to wake up", he sarcastically said "gee thanks for the support" and I snapped back without even thinking "HEY! You didn't ASK me for support!" and I went outside with my book and coffee and sat down. He joined me outside and we sat in silence. UNCOMFORTABLE!! I SO wanted to say something, to add more or explain myself further and a voice inside said "shaddup!! You diffused it! Don't stir it up!" so I sat and read my book and enjoyed my morning. That was HARD. It was pretty awesome to set a boundary to some negativity I didn't want fucking up my morning.
Fast forward a couple hours and I got a very sweet apology text.. I smiled. That's my babe. He may have his moments, but the man knows when he fucks up. Lol... Proud of myself too cuz I knew if I'da kept talking after I shut it down, it woulda kept going.. Negative energy feeding into itself. I've done it so many times before and the fights SUCK. No more. Man.. That's some growth. Can't have an argument if I don't play along. So grateful to have a mate who gives me opportunities to grow and the challenge of giving him the space to grow. My purpose is to create a patient and loving world by teaching others acceptance and compassion. RL 10
Edited to add: I also apologized to Ben for my barky comments. I totally didn't handle myself in a leadership kinda way and I recognize that.

Day 23. I was done with work and home by 3:30. Ben got home shortly after and we didn't know what to do with ourselves... First time we've had an afternoon together in over 3 weeks. Spent some time on the porch, had a shower, started watching a show. Then Ben's brother Will stopped by to return something. He's been MIA for awhile and I've been worried about him. He's going through a rough time and it felt good to listen and support him. RL 5

Day 24. I slept in a bit and woke to coffee and a donut on my nightstand. I love this man. Had a lazy morning before I went to work. Got home and sucked it up and crossed something else off my procrastination list - scanned the mountain of receipts in my wallet. Been putting it off, didn't wanna, did it anyways. RL 6

Day 25. Loads of self care today. Had call with life coach Anjali this morning. Focus this week is on morning yoga. She is sending me a video and I've committed to doing it, starting this coming Wednesday. RL 9 to keep my commitment.
Hard meeting with a customer this morning, set my intention before going in, had a badass little meeting. Very pleased it wasn't a bitchfest. Had real conversation and it went better than I had hoped. RL 7
Taught BNI training to new members this afternoon. Amazing that 5 years ago I was mortified to give a 60 second commercial and today, I'm at a regional leadership level and training the new guys. What a switch. It gets easier every time. RL 3
Tonight was my Al-Anon and CoDA meetings. Forgot tonight was birthday night and it's my 5 year birthday this month. Started Al-Anon right after attending Basic. It changed my world and has brought me much serenity. SO in awe by how different my life is today. All because I've been doing my work and taking care of ME. Amazing how that works. Tonight I got to hear feedback from some friends in the room and how I've inspired them... Wow. It's humbling to hear my impact on others... Grateful to be in recovery today. RL 7

Day 26. Almost a whole day of self care. Chiropractor, then business coach, home for an hour nap, then went and did the most amazing yoga class ever with Diane and grabbed some dinner. Also committed to no laptop, notebook of work notes and no emails while on vacation next week. RL 9

Day 27. Today's self care started this morning.. Slept an extra hour then enjoyed my coffee on the porch this morning with Ben for about 3 hours. Read my book, meditated, had good conversation. We got FL packing trip list done.
I needed to do food prep and realized I didn't soak peas last night.. Whoops. Didn't panic or rush my morning.. Just went with it. Did my shopping and speed soaked some and ended up not even needing them. Lol.. Stayed present so I didn't panic or get all freaked out.. Trusted I'd be fine, and I was. :)
Realized I spent my whole morning doing exactly what I wanted.. And this is exactly what my new dream schedule included - waking up and having 3 hours of ME time before my work day starts. Had to hush the guilt down.. It felt so good. RL 7

Day 28. Similar to the day before, I took lots of time to myself in the morning as I didn't need to be out for work til about 1pm. I read, had coffee, pulled garden weeds and picked veggies for about an hour... It was wonderful. Felt like I spent most my day living life and not working. Amazing how different it feels to go to work after a morning of mega self care... The joy spills over into my work and I feel better while working, like my vibration is higher. Hmm... Surely that's the lesson I'm supposed to see.. Yay for getting it on day 2! Lol.. Seeing where I need to make this morning self care as routine as (like Anjali said) brushing my teeth. I'm seeing the reason WHY it's a good practice and I'm feeling it. Also, haven't been perfect on my daily yoga, but I'm doing some daily stretches and clearing my head, taking the time to do it is a new practice I'm getting used to. RL 6

Day 29. Super full day, got loads of work done, generator serviced in Houston, bills paid, girls are set for week without me. Had a craving for dinner so asked for Ben's support to make me some pho.. Was so good. Still had to pack.. Knocked it out and still got in some couch time before bed. RL 4 for asking for what I wanted.

Day 30 and I'm about to embark on the best self care of the month - MY VACATION. This is a huge risk for me because I'm leaving ALLwork at home. No laptop, no notepad, no nothing. No lists of stuff to do or think about - it'll all be here when I get back. Falacos is closed for the week and my girls will be taking care of the office as usual. For me to unplug and detach from all work and emails is a HUGE challenge for me. I've asked for Ben's support to keep me accountable and I'll ask the same of our friends when we arrive tonight - if they see or hear me talking about work, to please point out I'm on vacation. We are driving to PCB, FL today and I. CAN'T. WAIT. It's here!! And I will savor every minute and relaaaaaaax. It's been one helluva year so far and I deserve it. RL 10
This self care challenge has shown me so much this past month... How it feels to put me first and take it slow. How to make time for myself and be ok, without any guilt, when I treat myself. It's still there but getting easier. New habits are starting to stick and more to come. I love you all.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Week 20. A week to dream.

Grateful this morning I have some personal time before Falacos time and I get to use my morning to do some yoga, meditate, have breakfast and quality time with Benny and settle in and catch up on my reflections. Life is good. :)

On week 20's morning call, Anjali and I talked a lot about my focus and where it takes me. I've been working on practicing self care every day and honestly, my daily efforts haven't been all that... when I'm so busy with Falacos, my self care kinda goes out the window and I don't take care of myself til the day is over. It's like I'm in work mode for 8-12 hours and never stop to focus on my physical or mental needs.. and making the time for myself feels almost impossible.

Since opening Falacos, most of my focus and anxiety surrounds money. It's been a fun but rocky start in this business, learning how to be flexible with weather and truck issues, having to spend money I didn't have/want to spend to keep business going. I know things won't always go my way, and being flexible is a key component to my serenity. I noticed something different about my 2 businesses... Insurance business, I don't worry about money and the money is always there, bills paid, all is good and we are growing.  Food truck business, I ALWAYS worry about money and the money continually seems to elude me and go away. Huh. INTERESTING.  When I trust it'll be there, it will be... and when I don't, it seems to be just beyond my grasp. Something to seriously examine and flip the switch on.

I noticed having music on all the time is really helping me ground and get back into my body. I'm mindful to have it playing when I'm doing food prep by myself - keeps my mind happy and helps me stay focused on what I'm doing and not rolling through lists in my head.

I'd been feeling kinda numb inside, not all too energetic or passionate... burnt out, maybe. Not feeling like my purpose is right in front of me anymore. I really started seeing how my lack of self care had brought me to this condition. Just going through the motions every day and hoping enough money came in to cover bills is NOT what I started this for... this is not  how I wanna do things. My focus got twisted.

Anjali gave me an awesome assignment this week.... to DREAM. What IS my ideal schedule? If I could work any schedule possible, what would that look like? For my business and for me?  What schedule do I want to keep and am I hitting my target market? What time of day or days of week do I want to work? She also asked, am I honoring my own energy? If I lack self care, my business reflects it... my outsides are a direct reflection of my insides.  If I am busy busy on the outside of me, swirling in chaos all the time, I am really sad and low on the inside and wondering, why am I doing this again?  However... when I am grounded, stable and focused - THAT is the foundation I want for my business. How to make it successful? It starts with me.

She asked me to close my eyes and do a little meditation... clear my thoughts and then picture my truck, Evelyn. What do I see? I immediately started crying because what my mind showed me hit me to my core... I saw my truck, so bright and beaming an intense yellow light - and she was trapped in a cage. I knew something major is holding me back, holding my dreams back from becoming reality - and it's rooted in my self care. There's something I'm not getting, some piece I'm not applying to my life and it's impacting my results. I kinda already had some ideas on this, what I need to start doing to initiate this shift in my world, but I committed to taking the week to really reflect on this and decide exactly what my dream schedule would look like, including all the self care I need.

Anjali also pointed out something that made perfect sense... I've been wanting to call and connect with some doctors and hospitals, making new friends with professionals who know about a plant based diet and what it does - but these calls are something on a long list of "hey I wanna do this stuff for my business" and everything on that list is a priority but none of it is happening... it's something I want to do, but right now, I am lacking the focus and peacefulness within to be drawing these people to me.  My chaotic energy can be transmitted through a phone call and if I don't 'have the time' to be making these calls, these doctors won't 'have the time' for me either.  This makes perfect sense to me - I must put out what I want to get back.  I need to chill, find my focus, meditate for awhile on WHY I am reaching out to these people, what do I want to accomplish with them? Really stop and think on this for a bit... and don't call them until AFTER I go on vacation in a couple weeks.  It's important to approach people with a peaceful and positive energy.

For those following along, here are my daily 'self care shares' up through Week 20's call, which was on 8/22. The realizations I've had in this 30 day exercise have been really something... and they're totally getting me to see - IF I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL, SELF CARE IS REQUIRED.

Day 5. Overslept this morning and was late to networking meeting. Did well - didn't panic and get in a crazy chaos rush. "I'm already late, don't freak out, I'm never late for this, take your time, don't speed either."
Went to chiropractor. Got worked on and in vibrating heated traction chair for 20 mins. Almost got a nap. This is a self care thing I do once a week, have been for about a month now.
Then found out Dawn is coming!!!! HOLY SHIT it's been too long. We get to hang and catch up - last 2 times we've seen each other in the last 2 years we staffed Basic together and didn't get much US time. It will also be the first time me, Dawn and Storme Hannan Xoxo get to be in same place same time. What a trip, our Pathways family is gonna be together.. To love on our old friend Kate and her family on Sunday. It's gonna be so wonderful, I was cryin big crocodile tears when it started sinkin in. To the support givers and receivers, THANK YOU.
Did a bunch of other errands nstuff, then went home and had a 2 hour nap. Had lots of things to do, but still so tired. Starting to think I may need some iron and other minerals, likely depleted from all the sweating I've been doing. Having to tell myself it's ok to rest.. Slowing down isn't easy for me. Reminder: I'm allowed to rest and guilt is an option. I can choose compassion and patience instead. RL 6
My name is Courtney Weidner and I am a dynamic, intimate, decisive and limitless woman. My purpose is to create a patient and loving world by teaching others acceptance and compassion. *sigh*
Let it begin with me.

Day 6. A full day. Ended it by trudging through and crossing something else off the procrastination list - reconciled 2 months of bank statements for 4 accounts and paid some bills. REALLY didn't want to, but getting something crossed off that list feels good. One less thing. Fighting the urge to procrastinate some more was heavy. RL 7
Tonight, dark chocolate and Cutthroat Kitchen.

Day 7. First day with new Falacos employee, Nora. So far, she's everything on my wish list. Even bilingual - Bulgarian and Russian. Such a cool chick, vegan, universe sent at the perfect time. This learning to let go and trust thing is getting easier. The universe provides it all if I trust myself enough to try what crosses my path. This involves taking my head off. Lol
Needed support getting home, had to drop truck off for weekend event, called a friend and we did dinner. Was so good to catch up.
Started a new book today, Proteinaholic. Already loving it.
Had moments of solitude today but didn't ground.. In hindsight I was in my head a lot today, had many things to execute by certain times. Will be practicing this on the couch here in just a minute. House to myself.
Tried a new face conditioner tonight.. liking it.
Biggest self care challenge of today - letting go of the condition of my house. Dawn comes tomorrow and I've got the usual dust and cat hair everywhere and I'm not gonna clean it. Too tired. Dawn, you get me and my dirty house. Lol (I know you don't give two shits anyways so easier to let go.) RL 6

Day 8. What a love filled day. Surprises and lots of laughs and hugs and catching up... Still more to come. 😊
Self care came tonight when I decided to NOT hit the grocery store on the way home for supplies for tomorrow. After an 11 hour food truck day, my ass is spent. Will get some sleep, then hit the store in the morning. A healthy procrastination. About to shower, hit the couch for a bowl of cereal and an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen, then rest. Only one more day of food truck crazy and will get to enjoy Sunday with my closest peeps. Sleepin in Sunday is gonna be so fine.
RL 2. I'm tired enough that ENOUGH, is enough today. Not much of a risk to postpone the shopping.
TWCI: Happy and blessed.
Update: That shower.. The little voice said "you can shower tomorrow too! Ben's not home, can go to bed dirty, it's ok"... And no it's not ok! My ass been sweating all day, covered in oil and funk and I suddenly had huge resistance to taking a shower. RL 7 cuz I really wanted to procrastinate a shower too. That urge was WAY strong. So glad I pushed thru and did it anyways. Now, I can really relax.

Day 9. Home very late, was hungry so had some cereal, stayed up til 4:30 talking with Dawn. While staying up late may not have been a good physical self care choice, I was busy tending to my heart and soul... so full and happy. RL 3

Day 10. Set alarm to sleep in til 12:30. Knew I'd sleep later and we had benefit to attend today. Took advantage of as much sleep as I could. Splurged at live auction and treated myself to a Starbucks basket and a Yankee candle basket of goodies. Money went to a wonderful cause, so that helped me to spoil myself. I frequently have buyers remorse when buying things for myself. RL 7

Day 11. Had about a 3 hour nap for sleep last night, took Dawn to airport, came home and took another nap for 2 hrs before my lunch appt. No real risk there... I was beyond tired.
Went to both al-anon and CoDA meetings tonight, feeling peaceful and free.
Tonight I'm cooking myself a good dinner and will be going to bed soon after. Very tempted to veg out on couch for awhile but I know I need to take care of myself and get sleep. RL 6

Day 12.  Went to chiropractor this morning, got some good exercises to do to help with tension. Will be doing them again here in just a few.
Decided late in day I wanted to hit another CoDA meeting so I texted a friend and we went. Not my usual meeting so was good to hear experience, strength and hope from new people. RL 5
Home, ate dinner, jammies, couch... Now for some exercises and cake.

Day 13. Today was weird. Have felt in a fog all day. Slept hard last night, didn't move at all and woke up in sweat. Coulda kept sleeping for hours, plan to catch up on sleep this weekend for sure.
Asked Mom for support on some work stuff, totally took a load off my mind. Sometimes I get confused ("I have difficulty identifying how I'm feeling" - CoDA) and feel guilty for passing the buck, rather than seeing it as delegation and asking for support. Hmm. I woulda kept it to myself, continued procrastinating and beating myself up for not getting it done when she could easily do it.
What do I get out of not delegating/asking for support?? Yet ANOTHER thing to stay on my list that I get to beat myself up over. WTF?! What IS this shit?! RL 7
Set a new record - ended food truck day at scheduled time, cleaned and packed up, parked truck and got home in under an hour. Even got to kiss Benny goodbye before he left for work. That's EPIC. *happy dance*
Ready for some jammies and dinner. And Cutthroat Kitchen. I swear I'm addicted to this show. Lol

Day 14. Noticing when I'm thick in Evelyn all day, I make few opportunities for self care. Hmm.
I had a badass meeting with Sherri and a potential new client today. Ate a filling lunch today. Eating is a chore I have to make time for. Sales better today, didn't rain on me. Thankful. Home now, about to eat some leftovers, laundry goin and I'm ready to melt into the couch.
Seeing where I live in chaos all day, disconnected, monkey brain on a million ideas and shoulds... Struggling to be in moment. Being honest with myself about where I am. I don't like what I see. Then the guilt because others I know are in a really bad spot right now. Training the brain to think happy thoughts and be grateful. RL 6

Day 15. More mindful today. While driving, chopping veggies, whatever it was, I was sure to keep my focus on the task at hand. Strayed a lot but brought my attention back, soon as I caught the drift.
Made sure I listened to music today. My spirits are more charged when listening to music while working. Need to make this a thing. Music enhances the "this doesn't feel like work" feeling I naturally have while on the truck. Today was fun and I got a lot done. I sang and danced a bit, too. Such a difference.
Spent some time in office after working lunch gig and cleaned out emails. HOLY SHIT I got my main email down to 27 unread. This is HUGE to have done that - that email is an anxiety trigger for me and I just cleaned it up big time. It was over 300 again. One more thing off the procrastination list. Celebrating this and feeling more than enough. RL 8

Day 16.  Enjoyed myself while working Falacos at Houston Pagan Pride Day. I loved being around my tribe - old guys with rainbows and blue hair, women openly and comfortably breastfeeding in public, acceptance and love for all. Such an amazing group of spirits. They loved the food, too.
Home late, showered and finally sat down after midnight. A very long day.
Washed sheets before bed so I'd have clean sheets to sleep in on. RL 6

Day 17. Slept in til about 9:30. Numb arms and thunder woke me earlier than I wanted.
Spent afternoon with Mom and Aunt Bridgett and visited Grandma. It was so good to see her. She's getting more frail and memory not what it was. I'm glad she's in this new home with 24 hour care... She needs it.
Came home and was overwhelmed with "shoulds" staring me in the face. So loud. But Benny was sleeping and I wanted to stay quiet. I grabbed my new book and sat on the back porch reading for about an hour. Realized I was feeling sleepy so laid on the couch. Cats laid on me and in minutes I'm OUT. Woke up about 8:30 when Ben got up. A long nap and a day full of wants and no shoulds. This day of rest is what I needed. No judgment. No guilt. RL 9

Day 18. Today was a powerful shift.
Had call with coach Anjali this morning.. I swear, I cry every time we talk. She helps unveil things, awareness I can't describe. Today I shared with her my realizations about my self care and how it lacks and how the last 17 days of self care challenges haven't been big ones. Not really. Yesterday was the first biggie so far, and only because of the guilt I felt for doing what I wanted instead of what I felt I should. And being ok with it. I've not started changing behaviors that really enhance my self care. Why? Cuz that would be hard. DUH.
We also discussed self care and how it's tied to abundance and if I don't honor myself and practice good self care, making myself my number one priority, how am I really shining? How can the universe give me what I want if I spend all my time worrying about money or other people? How can I truly give myself to others if my well is empty? I know better.
I admitted my realization about money worry... How it doesn't exist in my insurance business and it thrives.. But I fear loss of money in my food truck and money seems to escape me there. Plus, I focus and stress on money rather than being grateful and feeling passionate about owning a business I created to inspire and educate people. I didn't do this for the money, I did it because I believe in it and the message we are getting out there. So why has my focus shifted to a fear of losing money?
She had me do a meditation today... Visualizing my food truck and what did I see? What did it look like? I instantly started crying from my closed eyes... My Evelyn was glowing bright yellow and she was trapped in a cage. It took my breath away. I suddenly knew... My next level exists beyond this lesson of self care. I'm not gonna soar until I get this straight. I am limitless but if I'm not loving myself through actions of daily self care, I'll keep hitting walls.
Had a wonderful dinner with Diane tonight. I appreciate our friendship so much and the conversations we have... I see new things and get ideas and I'm excited to journal on my next exercise from Anjali - writing down what my dream schedule would look like. A routine of self care and working and everything I wanna make time for... What does that look like? I'm about to find out. Coach Bob asked me to do this last year and I was floored to stumble across that piece of paper TODAY. Last year I wrote out my "dream" work week starting 12/1/15... And that's EXACTLY what I have today. FREAKY. So... Now it becomes my daily schedule, all day long. Specifics. If I write it down, it will manifest. It's happened enough times for me now, I know how powerful that is... Time to get to dreamin. RL 8