Monday, October 3, 2016

Week 21. I'm a badass.

I have this friend, Dawn, who gets me on levels most people don't see... she and I are connected in in-explainable ways, definitely some subconscious stuff in our relationship. We are able to say things straight up to each other, as if we are talking to ourselves. Some say we look like and act like sisters. She lives in Ohio now but the miles don't matter - we met when she lived in Vegas, so... a long distance relationship has always been our thing. When we do get together and physically see each other, it's like it was yesterday.  This visit to Texas was no different.

Dawn gave me some feedback when she was here... she noticed what I said to people when talking about Falacos. When giving the story or explaining how it all happened, she noticed I didn't take much credit or really own what I've done. When I thought about it, I realized... It's because it really hasn't sunk in yet. I don't think it has. The idea of "I know I made this food truck happen.. look at it there, I did that... and now I run a food truck business".. I know that is exactly what happened, but have a really CELEBRATED what I've accomplished?  No, I haven't. Because it's not perfect yet... I'm still figuring stuff out so it's like it's not ready yet, even though I've been open four months. I don't ever slow down enough to reflect back and look and say "damn... I'm a badass!"

On my week 21 call with Anjali, I reflected back on my coaching session with Bob last Tuesday (this was after my powerful call with Anjali on Monday, realizing where my focus has been on worries and she asked me to dream about my ideal self care schedule). I've got the details of that coaching session in Day 19 of my self care posts down at the bottom of this blog, but a big take away from that day (combined with Dawn's recent feedback) was - I have a hesitation in believing I'm a badass. I don't slow down enough to sit in that feeling and be happy with what I've created. This week, it's time to say to myself "I'm a badass!"

I also mentioned the whole 80/20 thing.. cuz I wondered, if I spent 80% of awake time being aware of my mental focus, energy and attention on self care and 20% of my brainwaves on other stuff, how much more happy would I be? What could I create at that level of ultimate self care as a ROUTINE? Anjali pointed out if I want to keep doing things, I need to work out a plan that includes my self care.. I must make the time for it if I want to be successful.

An example... Using my phone.  If I want to use it all the time and have it be there for me when I need it, I must stop at some point and put it on a charger.  I've got to make sure I stop and recharge, too.

Right now, it'll be awesome to shoot for 50% self care/personal time and 50% work time. Ideally, my long term goal is to get to 80% self care/personal time, 20% work time. A 2 day work week?  I'd LOVE to get to a 20 hour work week. That's a goal.  The way I see it, if I want to make it so, I can find a way to spend 80% of my time with family, travelling, building our home and with the other 20%, kick ass and take names while running my businesses - I can make that happen.

Like Anjali advised, I must do one step per day to get closer to my goal.  Like...

  • Start my day with yoga. Get grounded into my body and not in my head, first thing.
  • Allow myself time to work on something and get that in my internal dialogue. Say to myself I will work on something from this-time to that-time and then stop. The importance of stopping the project on time - tell myself, 15 minutes before the end, start winding down and ground myself again like post-yoga feeling. 
  • **Try yoga first thing in the morning for just one month and see what changes. (and I still have yet to accomplish this. Time to get my shit together.)

On this call, Anjali gave me such a powerful statement, one I KNOW will be stuck with me til the end of my days... because it made such perfect sense.  Now, I still have yet to change my ways... but I'm not getting down on myself about it. Change takes time. Starting new life long habits takes practice. Repetition and mental re-programming will eventually stick and I'll have a new daily practice.

She said... It's like brushing your teeth.  When growing up, someone showed us how to brush our teeth. We do it in the morning and before bed and it's something we do because it's good for us. It promotes happy and healthy teeth, right? It's a self-care practice we started doing as kids and it stays with us our whole life. I keep doing it because I know the WHY. I know the importance of doing it, so I keep doing it to stay healthy. Same goes for yoga. I'm already aware of some of the benefits (still have yet to unlock what happens when it's a daily thing) so I know the WHY.  It's good for me, mentally and physically. So now, I get to work on incorporating it into my daily practice, just like brushing my teeth. Simple and PROFOUND. Thank you, Anjali... I'm making this happen.

Goal this week: Do some yoga. Find some videos, check them out, try it in the morning.

These are the rest of my daily self care posts in my Pathways group... next call with Anjali is 9/12 when we get back from vacation.

Day 19. Started my day by announcing I'm changing my chair from insurance to catering in BNI. BIG STEP!! Went to chiropractor, got worked on.
Had about 90 minutes alone with coach Bob today. Had a REALLY amazing conversation. Observing why I self sabotage and do things like stay up late when I know I need to be up early and why I cave to the voice inside that says "I can do what I want!!!"
I heard Sue in my head today... What are you getting out of it? I shared this with Bob and he gave me some feedback I needed to hear.
He knows I don't celebrate well and I focus on tasks undone. I keep going and going and stopping to eat or rest doesn't come naturally. He pointed out I go go go because I like to feel like a superwoman. Look at all this stuff I can do! People say to me often "I don't know how you do all the things you do" and on some subconscious level, there's a piece of me that says "yeah, cuz I'm a fucking badass." But yet I don't care for public praise or recognition.. I just do what I do and even if people weren't impressed by it, I'd still be doing it because I crave that feeling of creating and being productive. I feel like a badass deep inside but don't consciously celebrate it. It's a very odd disconnect. I celebrate by doing more and trying to create something else. This usually backfires and brings more chaos in my world.
I'm seeing a huge lesson in reigning in the acts of doing that aren't effective or are wasting a lot of time and focusing more intentionally on doing things that will take less time and bring bigger results.
For example..
My purpose with Falacos is to make a ripple and impact people through education and inspiration - sharing Ben's story and the success he had and our dream to show the world how tasty plants can be. When I park somewhere and open my window, I'm touching only one person at a time. Instead, how do I reach LOADS of people at once? Ideas include the franchise and supplying the 5 local hospitals a vegan and GF meal for patients with dietary restrictions and now, possibly having packaged lunches for sale in grocery stores. I don't know the "how" yet and Bob caught me trying to figure it out right then... he stopped me. I don't need to have all the answers in this moment, only take the time to consider my limitless possibilities and dream. How can I work less, reach more people and have more time in my day for self care? There will be a way.
Both my coaches are telling me to dream and visualize this week, and stop with the details of how it'll come to be... Just imagine. I'm really in awe right now and my brain is swimming with ideas. Bob told me today I'm not a doer - I'm a visionary. People will help make it real for me, I just need to have the idea and put it in motion. And he's right... I'm the idea guy. I realized today, I'm good at running a business... I love teaching people and empowering them... but my true gift is the visions I have and the courage to manifest them.
It's been a really big day. All my eyes are open. RL 10

Also realized I'm in alignment with what I wrote and hung on my mirror in February..."immersed in self work, Al-Anon, CoDA, Pathways, Bob, Anjali".. For the last 19 days, I've been doing just that. Back at both meetings, weekly coaching x2 and now this self care challenge... And the popcorn is finally popping.

Day 20. Spent some time today reflecting and reminding myself - I'm a badass. Realizing there's some belief inside that says "I can't admit I feel like a badass, that'd be conceited." Never want to come off as cocky or righteous.. Confidence is a blurry line for me. Starting to focus so it becomes more clear. RL 6
Today was my 5 year anniversary of attending advanced. What a fuckin trip that week was... Never expected what would happen next but I'm so grateful it's all come to pass. Shared my memory post today and looks like I have a couple unexpected friends interested in the next Texas Basic.. Time to add to my wish list. 💕

Day 21. Woke and enjoyed coffee and read a book on the porch. Continued my "badass" chatter throughout the day. Had a successful lunch shift. Made it home before 8 and Benny had a warm meal ready. I'm fed and now gonna shower and relax. Will hit the hay earlier tonight, got another full day tomorrow. Nothin big on the self care today.. Tired, so gonna tend to that and rest. RL 2
Edit: It's 10:30 and I'm in bed, about to read a book. Haven't been to bed this early in a long time. Reading a book > watching tv, when it comes to my self care. No Cutthroat Kitchen tonight. RL 5

Day 22. This morning was challenging. Ben had a really funky energy and was griping and bitching about something, first thing in the morning. I hadn't even had my first cup of coffee and I knew I didn't want to be an audience for any of it. He was pretty pissy.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was firm, a bit curt, and something along the lines of "I can't do this right now, I'm trying to wake up", he sarcastically said "gee thanks for the support" and I snapped back without even thinking "HEY! You didn't ASK me for support!" and I went outside with my book and coffee and sat down. He joined me outside and we sat in silence. UNCOMFORTABLE!! I SO wanted to say something, to add more or explain myself further and a voice inside said "shaddup!! You diffused it! Don't stir it up!" so I sat and read my book and enjoyed my morning. That was HARD. It was pretty awesome to set a boundary to some negativity I didn't want fucking up my morning.
Fast forward a couple hours and I got a very sweet apology text.. I smiled. That's my babe. He may have his moments, but the man knows when he fucks up. Lol... Proud of myself too cuz I knew if I'da kept talking after I shut it down, it woulda kept going.. Negative energy feeding into itself. I've done it so many times before and the fights SUCK. No more. Man.. That's some growth. Can't have an argument if I don't play along. So grateful to have a mate who gives me opportunities to grow and the challenge of giving him the space to grow. My purpose is to create a patient and loving world by teaching others acceptance and compassion. RL 10
Edited to add: I also apologized to Ben for my barky comments. I totally didn't handle myself in a leadership kinda way and I recognize that.

Day 23. I was done with work and home by 3:30. Ben got home shortly after and we didn't know what to do with ourselves... First time we've had an afternoon together in over 3 weeks. Spent some time on the porch, had a shower, started watching a show. Then Ben's brother Will stopped by to return something. He's been MIA for awhile and I've been worried about him. He's going through a rough time and it felt good to listen and support him. RL 5

Day 24. I slept in a bit and woke to coffee and a donut on my nightstand. I love this man. Had a lazy morning before I went to work. Got home and sucked it up and crossed something else off my procrastination list - scanned the mountain of receipts in my wallet. Been putting it off, didn't wanna, did it anyways. RL 6

Day 25. Loads of self care today. Had call with life coach Anjali this morning. Focus this week is on morning yoga. She is sending me a video and I've committed to doing it, starting this coming Wednesday. RL 9 to keep my commitment.
Hard meeting with a customer this morning, set my intention before going in, had a badass little meeting. Very pleased it wasn't a bitchfest. Had real conversation and it went better than I had hoped. RL 7
Taught BNI training to new members this afternoon. Amazing that 5 years ago I was mortified to give a 60 second commercial and today, I'm at a regional leadership level and training the new guys. What a switch. It gets easier every time. RL 3
Tonight was my Al-Anon and CoDA meetings. Forgot tonight was birthday night and it's my 5 year birthday this month. Started Al-Anon right after attending Basic. It changed my world and has brought me much serenity. SO in awe by how different my life is today. All because I've been doing my work and taking care of ME. Amazing how that works. Tonight I got to hear feedback from some friends in the room and how I've inspired them... Wow. It's humbling to hear my impact on others... Grateful to be in recovery today. RL 7

Day 26. Almost a whole day of self care. Chiropractor, then business coach, home for an hour nap, then went and did the most amazing yoga class ever with Diane and grabbed some dinner. Also committed to no laptop, notebook of work notes and no emails while on vacation next week. RL 9

Day 27. Today's self care started this morning.. Slept an extra hour then enjoyed my coffee on the porch this morning with Ben for about 3 hours. Read my book, meditated, had good conversation. We got FL packing trip list done.
I needed to do food prep and realized I didn't soak peas last night.. Whoops. Didn't panic or rush my morning.. Just went with it. Did my shopping and speed soaked some and ended up not even needing them. Lol.. Stayed present so I didn't panic or get all freaked out.. Trusted I'd be fine, and I was. :)
Realized I spent my whole morning doing exactly what I wanted.. And this is exactly what my new dream schedule included - waking up and having 3 hours of ME time before my work day starts. Had to hush the guilt down.. It felt so good. RL 7

Day 28. Similar to the day before, I took lots of time to myself in the morning as I didn't need to be out for work til about 1pm. I read, had coffee, pulled garden weeds and picked veggies for about an hour... It was wonderful. Felt like I spent most my day living life and not working. Amazing how different it feels to go to work after a morning of mega self care... The joy spills over into my work and I feel better while working, like my vibration is higher. Hmm... Surely that's the lesson I'm supposed to see.. Yay for getting it on day 2! Lol.. Seeing where I need to make this morning self care as routine as (like Anjali said) brushing my teeth. I'm seeing the reason WHY it's a good practice and I'm feeling it. Also, haven't been perfect on my daily yoga, but I'm doing some daily stretches and clearing my head, taking the time to do it is a new practice I'm getting used to. RL 6

Day 29. Super full day, got loads of work done, generator serviced in Houston, bills paid, girls are set for week without me. Had a craving for dinner so asked for Ben's support to make me some pho.. Was so good. Still had to pack.. Knocked it out and still got in some couch time before bed. RL 4 for asking for what I wanted.

Day 30 and I'm about to embark on the best self care of the month - MY VACATION. This is a huge risk for me because I'm leaving ALLwork at home. No laptop, no notepad, no nothing. No lists of stuff to do or think about - it'll all be here when I get back. Falacos is closed for the week and my girls will be taking care of the office as usual. For me to unplug and detach from all work and emails is a HUGE challenge for me. I've asked for Ben's support to keep me accountable and I'll ask the same of our friends when we arrive tonight - if they see or hear me talking about work, to please point out I'm on vacation. We are driving to PCB, FL today and I. CAN'T. WAIT. It's here!! And I will savor every minute and relaaaaaaax. It's been one helluva year so far and I deserve it. RL 10
This self care challenge has shown me so much this past month... How it feels to put me first and take it slow. How to make time for myself and be ok, without any guilt, when I treat myself. It's still there but getting easier. New habits are starting to stick and more to come. I love you all.

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