Monday, August 8, 2016

Week 18 & 19. Self care, baby... all the way.

Last Monday was week 18 with Anjali. Reflected on my procrastination and what that's all about. Ya know, "they say" most people have some kinda trauma in our childhood that impacts us for the rest of our lives.. and I believe this to be true.

When I was little, I remember I used to come straight home after school and work on my homework. If a project was assigned, I was all over it and had it done super early. I zoomed through books and got my book reports done... and at some point, that totally stopped and I started procrastinating.  I think I've figured out why.

I lost my dad when I was 9, he passed suddenly. At that young age, I started taking responsibility for it and told myself "if I had been there, I could have saved him" and the self abuse started. There's no way I could have saved him, but I told  myself that anyways. I became extremely depressed and one day turned in something at school that was borderline suicidal sounding and my teacher told my mom - then I started therapy. I blamed myself for his death because I didn't save him. I believe this is when my codependency was born. I made it my subconscious mission to try and save everyone in my life I believed needed saving. The procrastination started because it was something I could do that would give me a reason to fuel the self abuse... when I got things done I felt good inside... and apparently, I didn't think I deserved to feel good anymore. I blamed myself for everything around me that caused me pain and obsessed with how to fix it all. Rather than focusing on me and the things I CAN control - like getting things done early and on time. Hmm.

Anjali asked if I thought I am an introvert or extrovert and do I know the diff? I thought I knew but she clarified - extroverts get energy and recharge from interactions with other people and introverts get energy and recharge in solitude, by being with ourselves only. While the recent alone time (while Ben working nights) has been hard to adjust to, not knowing what to do with myself and it feels odd, I'm realizing how healthy and helpful this alone time has been - I get to be with myself and work on ME and it's insane how different and BETTER I feel. I suspected I was an introvert and the last week has shown me how right I was.

Week 18 assignment: Take note of my pockets of solitude. Observe when I am completely alone and how often does it happen? How do I feel during that time? Just observe.

Since week 18's call, in the last week I accepted a challenge from my friend Dawn regarding self care.  Self care is the one department I struggle with the most.. always others before me. And I know this is dangerous and not how I can operate most efficiently - deep inside I know I cannot be the best version of myself if I don't actively practice self care.  I can give all of me away and keep nothing for myself and then I'm totally drained. We made commitments to each other to check in daily on the 30 risks in 30 days Pathways group we're in, sharing what self care acts we did for the day and what risk level they are.  I've decided that I am going to start copying and pasting my daily shares here on this blog for a couple of reasons - 1. It's reminding me of what I'm doing, how it helps me and why I need to keep it up and 2. If anything I share may inspire someone else, I wanna put it out there. We are not alone and I know others are more like me than I realize or see sometimes.

This morning was week 19's check in call. I shared with Anjali I noticed I get lots of pockets of time to myself, always in the shower and I drive alone a lot... the objective this week is to get a new focus and use this time to empower myself and recharge. (I'll share more on this in my post from today, Day 4 of self care challenge.)  We also discussed my thoughts and their vibrations.. with the Law of Attraction, I know I must raise my own vibration, what am I generating with my own thoughts and emitting to the world?  If I raise my vibration, the abundance will come. Worrying about money and how I'll pay for truck repairs lowers my vibe and keeps solutions at bay, a useless mental activity, worry is... instead, I must practice new mental exercises.  The old imprints are there, Anjali said... and it will take time to make new programming.


So here we go. 😉 after a good chat with Dawn Mathis, we agreed to do a new kinda 30/30, one involving self care and doing one thing every day, sharing it to each other. Figured we could post it here cuz as Dawn pointed out, self care is a risk for us. I am a machine that never turns off and I tend to keep going and going and never stopping to rest, treat myself or just be still. It feels weird. Like I should be doing something - there's so much to do! But I know I need to recharge, slow down, ground, be present and relax.
For the next 30, I'll post something daily, even the small things, to check in with my self care action of the day. I'll also post the risk level, gauged by my feelings of guilt and how uncomfortable I am, how hard the urge is to be doing something else, and how bad I tried to find excuses to not do this self care.
Day 1. Up at 7, a long day of food truckin, driving through Houston with no AC, and scrubbed the kitchen floor. In this heat. Pretty wiped when got home at 7:30.
Self care looks like: showered, jammies, couch with cats, pizza on way and Harry Potter marathon. After posting this, I'll be off the phone, no distractions, just me, pizza, kitties and Harry Potter.
RL 3. I'm so tired, this feels necessary. No objections here. Still a risk to get off the phone at night. ‪#‎phoneaddict‬
Anyone else wanna play? Join on in if self care is a challenge for you. I'm ready for the self lovin habits to stick. 

Day 2. Just had a cry on Benny's shoulder. Drama with truck today, wouldn't start, extreme anxiety, a simple fix (gear shift wasn't clickin into park) but discovered a bigger problem, a bad oil leak. 
😥 Today has been too much. I'm deeper in debt and the low sales tonight is discouraging. Questioning if the universe is trying to turn me away from this or testing my faith. I have big events coming up and a new employee starting next week... But I'm hella bad scared. Very thankful I caught Ben tonight before he left for work - I needed the hugs and reassurances. I've heard it so many times.. Restaurants don't make money the first year. I'm trying to chock it up to that and new business blues coupled with massive unexpected truck repairs... I gotta know the money is just over there. And it'll come. Don't give up.
I'm alone now, reflecting on the roller coaster of this day... This is food truck life. To survive it, I know I gotta stay flexible and positive, calm in the chaos.
Today's self care.. Writing about this day. About to take a hot shower and catch a movie before bed. Maybe some leftover pizza. Unplugging from phone. Telling myself today was ok. There'll be days like this. And it's not everyday. Being grateful the leak was found before I blew an engine. I hooped today. A lot. It's been a long time and it felt good.
Focusing on knowing life stuff happens and it's just stuff. I know the emotion I tie to events and circumstances deems them "good" or "bad" by my ego, which just wants to judge things and feel intense emotions. Being present tonight and reflecting on the stuff without emotion. RL 6

Day 3. Today was 100+ degrees and I was workin truck.. Holy shit it was hot. I made sure I drank tons of water and opted to not do any deep cleaning today. I needed to cool down.
I'm now showered and on the couch having some dinner with more Harry Potter.. But the urge to be doing something else is strong right now. Benny is home working tonight and I feel like I should be doing something. I feel guilty about my ass being on the couch while he's up doin his thing. But I know this is my down time and his up time. Focusing on being present, not hiding in this phone scrolling FB to distract from feeling like I should be crossing something off my list... Instead... I worked hard today. My body needs to rest and recharge. I put in my hard workin hours today. And it was enough. RL 5

Day 4. Morning started with taking Evelyn (my food truck) to mechanic to determine oil leak and fix before a bigger issue happens. Anxious and worried first thing this morning.
9 am call with coach Anjali.. Such a good check in. Last week my goal was to find pockets of solitude and take note of when I get to be alone and recharge (I'm an introvert and need alone time to reground and get energy)... Now I know when I get those moments and this week, the focus is to reset myself during those times. First, physically check in and relax any tension I'm carrying... Then relax it some more. Next focus on breathing and slow it way down. Then and only then can I set the course of my thoughts. I cannot force them to change without physically grounding first. To set the stage for clearer and more positive thoughts, I must first physically slow down and relax. A good exercise for me this week.
I had office meeting with girls today and we have a new meeting format:
Two word check in
3 minute share: what am I proud/happy about that happened this week, where am I struggling and what support do I need? (Could be work related or personal)
Pick education/training topic for next week
When it got to me, I shared my successes and struggles with truck this weekend, the anxiety I'm still working thru and working to let go and trust the universe... On the support I need I paused.. Couldn't think of anything but to say "I'm so tired." I am physically so beat from working in heat all weekend.. One said "do you NEED to do anything today?" "Seriously Court, we got this, go home and have a nap." "It can wait til tomorrow."
All 4 of them were kicking me out so I could take care of myself. Inside I was like "noooo I have so much to do!!" and in that moment I'm like "dude, they're right. They can support me right now so I can take care of myself." I agreed to leave but didn't leave for another 2 hours as I stood at my desk and went thru emails.. I hear them saying "she's still here!" and "woman, go HOME!" and I finally left at 3:30.
Got home, laid on couch, set alarm for 5:30 so I could hit Alanon at 6... Totally slept thru alarm and stirred awake at 7. Shocked I slept that hard and long but got up and made it to CoDA for 7:30 meeting and holy shit... it was powerful.
Between coaching call, a nap and my meeting, today was a VERY good day of self care. RL 5 for letting go of my urge to wanna keep working and listening to my support system.

I am looking forward to my solitude this week and using that time to relax every bit of me and setting the stage for the positive thoughts I want to think - the things in my control, how I want to be, my vibration, how I can let my light out, etc. I am what I think. Don't force positive thought, ask my mind if I can change my frequency and what would that look like? Then do it.