Saturday, November 26, 2016

Week 23. Relations with food.

I had a craving for some pizza, so I ordered pizza. No cheese, all the veggies. For some reason, this time, my body reacted in a new and unpleasant way - HOLY MOLY the SWELLING! Pretty sure I gorged on quite a bit of salt, there... I don't think I'd ever been so bloated and tight. Couldn't get my rings off and when squatting it felt like my thighs would burst. Sooo not a fun feeling. Fortunately, this reaction to my food coincided with my 23rd week call with Anjali.

When bloated and body retaining water? DRINK WARM WATER. All day long... the body needs it to flush out everything. Thankfully, that little tip from Anjali was JUST what my body needed!! Spent all day drinking warm water and could feel a big difference by bedtime.

We got on the subject of food and how much it can influence my physical and mental state. Everything has energy... and the manner in which food is grown, harvested, stored, shipped, prepared and served ALL play a part in how my body receives that energy and puts it to use.

If someone grows their own organic veggies in their backyard and prepares them in a home kitchen full of love and family and the chef loves cooking, that food has one kinda energy.  If crops are mass produced and covered with chemicals, harvested early, pumped with preservatives for a long shelf life and stored in a box until someone in a restaurant whips it up like a robot (cuz it's just a job and maybe they don't love cooking)... that food has a very different energy.  Like Anjali pointed out... food in a box? It's energy is so depleted, it's nearly gone.  Processed foods might be cheap and easy to prepare, but the quality? Meh. Fresh food is definitely more beneficial to my body.

"But Anjali, I'm soooo busy, where do I find the time to eat better?"  And I remind myself of this meme... The concept of "time"... Haaaaaaaa. There is THIS time, this moment, and I know it.

So this is the point in my life where I get to look at my choices about food. How do I plan for it? Do I? Not really. Kinda like right now - I'm hungry, unprepared and thinking about microwaving a bean burrito because it's cheap, easy and quick. Sure, it'll satisfy the hunger craving.. but the quality? What awesome energy is coming out of that frozen, processed food? Sigh... I know the answer.

I find it ironic that I will spend hours and hours every week, making food from scratch, loving what I do because I'm putting good REAL food out into my community... but when it comes to my personal time and what *I* eat? It's rushed and unplanned, mostly. I admit, I don't make the space in my schedule for meal planning.  There are so many reasons why I know I *should* be planning meals - cost, ease, quality, diversity, nutrition - and really only one reason why I don't... I don't make the time.

With my busy schedule, I also tend to look at mealtime as a distraction, something in my way because I have to stop what I'm doing to pause and feed myself. I've viewed stopping to eat as a pain in my ass, which isn't a very fun or happy feeling to be having towards the very thing that helps me LIVE. lol... air, water, food... KINDA important. LOL... and I know it should really be at the top of my "things I need to practice for ultimate self care" list. Now is the time I get to change the way I look at food for myself.

I GET to change the way I look at things, thankfully!! All about changing my mind.

Meals are a ritual, something I GET TO enjoy. Something I GET to slow down to experience. Something I'm BLESSED with, living where I live. I don't go hungry. I am blessed with abundance around me - a store on every corner, produce where ever I go. I have the gift of the internet - any recipe I could possibly imagine just a google search away. In other cultures, meal time is a BIG DEAL. Businesses close down, families come together and a lot of time is spent cooking, eating and enjoying the meals each day. What a life!! And why don't I have that? Because I don't slow down. I don't make it a priority. I've been rushing through meals as if they are an inconvenience to me.

When switching to a plant based lifestyle, I discovered a whole new world of food and a way to eat. Preparing food at home became necessary and it was a new adventure. I've slipped away from that over the last couple of years and gotten lazy.

I'm proud to report that this week, things have been different. I took time off of BOTH businesses so I can slow down, plan some delicious meals for Thanksgiving and be with family. This holiday weekend has been absolutely wonderful, focused around food and family. I want more of this in my life. I wanna do Thanksgiving every week! :) Our leftovers are almost gone and it's time to plan out some meals for next week. Making one additional home cooked meal per week is a start and an attainable goal. It starts today... cuz I'm really jonesin for some vegan pho. Mmmm I know what's for dinner!

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Week 22. Counting butterflies.

One of my most favorite places in the world is Panama City Beach, FL. The beaches there... OMG. It's pretty affordable to get a VRBO condo right on the beach.  That beach is my happy place, the one place I can seem to really let go of work (thanks to my ladies being so awesome to take care of stuff when I'm gone) and just be present and breathe.

This year was really big for me because now I was having to mentally set down TWO businesses. No work, no emails, no talking about work... it was a time I could truly check out and just be present in the world for a few days. This was a somewhat melancholy trip because I knew I was about to say goodbye to an old friend... this vacation would be the last time we'd be together.

Week 22's call with Anjali was on 9/12/16.  This is a really big day for me... I officially quit smoking again. Cold turkey... because I've gotten to the point where I know, it's a mental decision for me. I can put them down just as easily as I picked them back up. I've been smoking off and on since I was about 16 years old. Hard to explain to someone who doesn't smoke, but I LOVE smoking cigarettes. I know it doesn't make any sense - they are harmful to my health, cost money and smell bad. But there's something about them... it's crazy. My higher consciousness observes my mind's voice that says "BUT I WANT TO!" like it's a little child, throwing a fit because it wants one. The internal battle with myself has been exhausting.

For quite some time, Anjali at Inner Bliss Studio has been supporting me by asking me the question - What is it that I'm really craving in those moments? What feeling am I going for? What just changed that prompted me to want one?

I've been observing this within myself and I've come up with some realizations:

1. It's my ticket/permission to have a break from my current situation/environment or a reward for finishing tasks/a job... altho, I recognize it's a self destructive "reward". Why have a reward that's harmful? Hmm.

2. I think my body craves the somewhat increased heart rate, feeling like I'm doing something "productive" on my break... hell, why not meditate or do jumping jacks to get the little body rush and pulse going? I don't exercise so my heart rate doesn't go up very often... this may be a totally subconscious craving, as my awareness does know I need to be doing more physical exercise to keep myself in the best shape possible as I get older... smoking is the mind's way of interfering and confusing the message. Taking the easier way to getting that heart rate up... cuz my mind hates the idea of physical exercise.

I knew I needed to do something different to quit this time, I just didn't know what.  The moments of craving, those times when I would usually have one... I had to do something different to get a new result of being cigarette free.

On the way home from Florida, I finished a book, Proteinaholic by Dr. Garth Davis.  One of the things we do on road trips is Ben drives and I read aloud and then we kinda talk as the book goes along. I really love those times. :)  At the end of the book (which is SO powerful, btw... I gotta write a blog on how that book changed my life), Dr. Davis talks about how he focused on his "why" when he was wanting to change his meat eating lifestyle.  Wanting to be there for his kids and be healthy and agile and all that stuff later in life... He knew his reasons for wanting to change, just as I knew mine.

I know how powerful it is when I write things down... they tend to come true.  So I decided to write out my "why" list of why I'm putting them down for good this time. It's time. And I told myself I would carry my list with me everywhere and if I got an urge, I would meditate on the list, change my environment if possible and allow the urge to pass. Fortunately, this worked because I still haven't had one. The list now lives on my bathroom mirror so I can focus on it every morning and solidify my decision.

This call with Anjali was pretty emotional for me... I adopted a new little mantra to replace the crave thoughts. If I get stuck in a craving and don't change the mental channel, it will be hard to get through... I get to choose if this will be a hard thing, or not. Quitting smoking is hard! IS IT?! It is if I think it is. BAM. GAAAAAH!!! Popcorn. 

New affirmation: I am full of self love, my mind is clear and I am peaceful.

My mind has gotta be stronger in the positive direction, choosing self care and rewards that are healthy and good for me. The mind wants a cig, the intellect/higher consciousness KNOWS that's not a good decision... it's time my world got in alignment.  Integrity looks like ONE VOICE. No more mind vs. intellect and internal arguing. Time for peace. 

Anjali also reminded me - no more beat up. The past is the past. It can stay there. No more reliving the story and beating myself up for past choices. The time is now and I'm doing something different today and that is to be celebrated. 

Something else amazing that happened on the beach... I became aware of how many butterflies were flying by. All going from west to east and all different kinds. I kept seeing them, so I started counting them every day. This practice kept me totally grounded and mentally on that beach... I saw hundreds in that week and counted nearly a hundred on the way home. The butterfly gives me so many messages... I can morph and change. Such a purpose in life, to flutter through the breeze in search of pretty flowers. Living life to appreciate the beauty, because really... what else is there? My reality is what I choose to think it is... and I know this.

Monday, October 3, 2016

Week 21. I'm a badass.

I have this friend, Dawn, who gets me on levels most people don't see... she and I are connected in in-explainable ways, definitely some subconscious stuff in our relationship. We are able to say things straight up to each other, as if we are talking to ourselves. Some say we look like and act like sisters. She lives in Ohio now but the miles don't matter - we met when she lived in Vegas, so... a long distance relationship has always been our thing. When we do get together and physically see each other, it's like it was yesterday.  This visit to Texas was no different.

Dawn gave me some feedback when she was here... she noticed what I said to people when talking about Falacos. When giving the story or explaining how it all happened, she noticed I didn't take much credit or really own what I've done. When I thought about it, I realized... It's because it really hasn't sunk in yet. I don't think it has. The idea of "I know I made this food truck happen.. look at it there, I did that... and now I run a food truck business".. I know that is exactly what happened, but have a really CELEBRATED what I've accomplished?  No, I haven't. Because it's not perfect yet... I'm still figuring stuff out so it's like it's not ready yet, even though I've been open four months. I don't ever slow down enough to reflect back and look and say "damn... I'm a badass!"

On my week 21 call with Anjali, I reflected back on my coaching session with Bob last Tuesday (this was after my powerful call with Anjali on Monday, realizing where my focus has been on worries and she asked me to dream about my ideal self care schedule). I've got the details of that coaching session in Day 19 of my self care posts down at the bottom of this blog, but a big take away from that day (combined with Dawn's recent feedback) was - I have a hesitation in believing I'm a badass. I don't slow down enough to sit in that feeling and be happy with what I've created. This week, it's time to say to myself "I'm a badass!"

I also mentioned the whole 80/20 thing.. cuz I wondered, if I spent 80% of awake time being aware of my mental focus, energy and attention on self care and 20% of my brainwaves on other stuff, how much more happy would I be? What could I create at that level of ultimate self care as a ROUTINE? Anjali pointed out if I want to keep doing things, I need to work out a plan that includes my self care.. I must make the time for it if I want to be successful.

An example... Using my phone.  If I want to use it all the time and have it be there for me when I need it, I must stop at some point and put it on a charger.  I've got to make sure I stop and recharge, too.

Right now, it'll be awesome to shoot for 50% self care/personal time and 50% work time. Ideally, my long term goal is to get to 80% self care/personal time, 20% work time. A 2 day work week?  I'd LOVE to get to a 20 hour work week. That's a goal.  The way I see it, if I want to make it so, I can find a way to spend 80% of my time with family, travelling, building our home and with the other 20%, kick ass and take names while running my businesses - I can make that happen.

Like Anjali advised, I must do one step per day to get closer to my goal.  Like...

  • Start my day with yoga. Get grounded into my body and not in my head, first thing.
  • Allow myself time to work on something and get that in my internal dialogue. Say to myself I will work on something from this-time to that-time and then stop. The importance of stopping the project on time - tell myself, 15 minutes before the end, start winding down and ground myself again like post-yoga feeling. 
  • **Try yoga first thing in the morning for just one month and see what changes. (and I still have yet to accomplish this. Time to get my shit together.)

On this call, Anjali gave me such a powerful statement, one I KNOW will be stuck with me til the end of my days... because it made such perfect sense.  Now, I still have yet to change my ways... but I'm not getting down on myself about it. Change takes time. Starting new life long habits takes practice. Repetition and mental re-programming will eventually stick and I'll have a new daily practice.

She said... It's like brushing your teeth.  When growing up, someone showed us how to brush our teeth. We do it in the morning and before bed and it's something we do because it's good for us. It promotes happy and healthy teeth, right? It's a self-care practice we started doing as kids and it stays with us our whole life. I keep doing it because I know the WHY. I know the importance of doing it, so I keep doing it to stay healthy. Same goes for yoga. I'm already aware of some of the benefits (still have yet to unlock what happens when it's a daily thing) so I know the WHY.  It's good for me, mentally and physically. So now, I get to work on incorporating it into my daily practice, just like brushing my teeth. Simple and PROFOUND. Thank you, Anjali... I'm making this happen.

Goal this week: Do some yoga. Find some videos, check them out, try it in the morning.

These are the rest of my daily self care posts in my Pathways group... next call with Anjali is 9/12 when we get back from vacation.

Day 19. Started my day by announcing I'm changing my chair from insurance to catering in BNI. BIG STEP!! Went to chiropractor, got worked on.
Had about 90 minutes alone with coach Bob today. Had a REALLY amazing conversation. Observing why I self sabotage and do things like stay up late when I know I need to be up early and why I cave to the voice inside that says "I can do what I want!!!"
I heard Sue in my head today... What are you getting out of it? I shared this with Bob and he gave me some feedback I needed to hear.
He knows I don't celebrate well and I focus on tasks undone. I keep going and going and stopping to eat or rest doesn't come naturally. He pointed out I go go go because I like to feel like a superwoman. Look at all this stuff I can do! People say to me often "I don't know how you do all the things you do" and on some subconscious level, there's a piece of me that says "yeah, cuz I'm a fucking badass." But yet I don't care for public praise or recognition.. I just do what I do and even if people weren't impressed by it, I'd still be doing it because I crave that feeling of creating and being productive. I feel like a badass deep inside but don't consciously celebrate it. It's a very odd disconnect. I celebrate by doing more and trying to create something else. This usually backfires and brings more chaos in my world.
I'm seeing a huge lesson in reigning in the acts of doing that aren't effective or are wasting a lot of time and focusing more intentionally on doing things that will take less time and bring bigger results.
For example..
My purpose with Falacos is to make a ripple and impact people through education and inspiration - sharing Ben's story and the success he had and our dream to show the world how tasty plants can be. When I park somewhere and open my window, I'm touching only one person at a time. Instead, how do I reach LOADS of people at once? Ideas include the franchise and supplying the 5 local hospitals a vegan and GF meal for patients with dietary restrictions and now, possibly having packaged lunches for sale in grocery stores. I don't know the "how" yet and Bob caught me trying to figure it out right then... he stopped me. I don't need to have all the answers in this moment, only take the time to consider my limitless possibilities and dream. How can I work less, reach more people and have more time in my day for self care? There will be a way.
Both my coaches are telling me to dream and visualize this week, and stop with the details of how it'll come to be... Just imagine. I'm really in awe right now and my brain is swimming with ideas. Bob told me today I'm not a doer - I'm a visionary. People will help make it real for me, I just need to have the idea and put it in motion. And he's right... I'm the idea guy. I realized today, I'm good at running a business... I love teaching people and empowering them... but my true gift is the visions I have and the courage to manifest them.
It's been a really big day. All my eyes are open. RL 10

Also realized I'm in alignment with what I wrote and hung on my mirror in February..."immersed in self work, Al-Anon, CoDA, Pathways, Bob, Anjali".. For the last 19 days, I've been doing just that. Back at both meetings, weekly coaching x2 and now this self care challenge... And the popcorn is finally popping.

Day 20. Spent some time today reflecting and reminding myself - I'm a badass. Realizing there's some belief inside that says "I can't admit I feel like a badass, that'd be conceited." Never want to come off as cocky or righteous.. Confidence is a blurry line for me. Starting to focus so it becomes more clear. RL 6
Today was my 5 year anniversary of attending advanced. What a fuckin trip that week was... Never expected what would happen next but I'm so grateful it's all come to pass. Shared my memory post today and looks like I have a couple unexpected friends interested in the next Texas Basic.. Time to add to my wish list. 💕

Day 21. Woke and enjoyed coffee and read a book on the porch. Continued my "badass" chatter throughout the day. Had a successful lunch shift. Made it home before 8 and Benny had a warm meal ready. I'm fed and now gonna shower and relax. Will hit the hay earlier tonight, got another full day tomorrow. Nothin big on the self care today.. Tired, so gonna tend to that and rest. RL 2
Edit: It's 10:30 and I'm in bed, about to read a book. Haven't been to bed this early in a long time. Reading a book > watching tv, when it comes to my self care. No Cutthroat Kitchen tonight. RL 5

Day 22. This morning was challenging. Ben had a really funky energy and was griping and bitching about something, first thing in the morning. I hadn't even had my first cup of coffee and I knew I didn't want to be an audience for any of it. He was pretty pissy.
I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was firm, a bit curt, and something along the lines of "I can't do this right now, I'm trying to wake up", he sarcastically said "gee thanks for the support" and I snapped back without even thinking "HEY! You didn't ASK me for support!" and I went outside with my book and coffee and sat down. He joined me outside and we sat in silence. UNCOMFORTABLE!! I SO wanted to say something, to add more or explain myself further and a voice inside said "shaddup!! You diffused it! Don't stir it up!" so I sat and read my book and enjoyed my morning. That was HARD. It was pretty awesome to set a boundary to some negativity I didn't want fucking up my morning.
Fast forward a couple hours and I got a very sweet apology text.. I smiled. That's my babe. He may have his moments, but the man knows when he fucks up. Lol... Proud of myself too cuz I knew if I'da kept talking after I shut it down, it woulda kept going.. Negative energy feeding into itself. I've done it so many times before and the fights SUCK. No more. Man.. That's some growth. Can't have an argument if I don't play along. So grateful to have a mate who gives me opportunities to grow and the challenge of giving him the space to grow. My purpose is to create a patient and loving world by teaching others acceptance and compassion. RL 10
Edited to add: I also apologized to Ben for my barky comments. I totally didn't handle myself in a leadership kinda way and I recognize that.

Day 23. I was done with work and home by 3:30. Ben got home shortly after and we didn't know what to do with ourselves... First time we've had an afternoon together in over 3 weeks. Spent some time on the porch, had a shower, started watching a show. Then Ben's brother Will stopped by to return something. He's been MIA for awhile and I've been worried about him. He's going through a rough time and it felt good to listen and support him. RL 5

Day 24. I slept in a bit and woke to coffee and a donut on my nightstand. I love this man. Had a lazy morning before I went to work. Got home and sucked it up and crossed something else off my procrastination list - scanned the mountain of receipts in my wallet. Been putting it off, didn't wanna, did it anyways. RL 6

Day 25. Loads of self care today. Had call with life coach Anjali this morning. Focus this week is on morning yoga. She is sending me a video and I've committed to doing it, starting this coming Wednesday. RL 9 to keep my commitment.
Hard meeting with a customer this morning, set my intention before going in, had a badass little meeting. Very pleased it wasn't a bitchfest. Had real conversation and it went better than I had hoped. RL 7
Taught BNI training to new members this afternoon. Amazing that 5 years ago I was mortified to give a 60 second commercial and today, I'm at a regional leadership level and training the new guys. What a switch. It gets easier every time. RL 3
Tonight was my Al-Anon and CoDA meetings. Forgot tonight was birthday night and it's my 5 year birthday this month. Started Al-Anon right after attending Basic. It changed my world and has brought me much serenity. SO in awe by how different my life is today. All because I've been doing my work and taking care of ME. Amazing how that works. Tonight I got to hear feedback from some friends in the room and how I've inspired them... Wow. It's humbling to hear my impact on others... Grateful to be in recovery today. RL 7

Day 26. Almost a whole day of self care. Chiropractor, then business coach, home for an hour nap, then went and did the most amazing yoga class ever with Diane and grabbed some dinner. Also committed to no laptop, notebook of work notes and no emails while on vacation next week. RL 9

Day 27. Today's self care started this morning.. Slept an extra hour then enjoyed my coffee on the porch this morning with Ben for about 3 hours. Read my book, meditated, had good conversation. We got FL packing trip list done.
I needed to do food prep and realized I didn't soak peas last night.. Whoops. Didn't panic or rush my morning.. Just went with it. Did my shopping and speed soaked some and ended up not even needing them. Lol.. Stayed present so I didn't panic or get all freaked out.. Trusted I'd be fine, and I was. :)
Realized I spent my whole morning doing exactly what I wanted.. And this is exactly what my new dream schedule included - waking up and having 3 hours of ME time before my work day starts. Had to hush the guilt down.. It felt so good. RL 7

Day 28. Similar to the day before, I took lots of time to myself in the morning as I didn't need to be out for work til about 1pm. I read, had coffee, pulled garden weeds and picked veggies for about an hour... It was wonderful. Felt like I spent most my day living life and not working. Amazing how different it feels to go to work after a morning of mega self care... The joy spills over into my work and I feel better while working, like my vibration is higher. Hmm... Surely that's the lesson I'm supposed to see.. Yay for getting it on day 2! Lol.. Seeing where I need to make this morning self care as routine as (like Anjali said) brushing my teeth. I'm seeing the reason WHY it's a good practice and I'm feeling it. Also, haven't been perfect on my daily yoga, but I'm doing some daily stretches and clearing my head, taking the time to do it is a new practice I'm getting used to. RL 6

Day 29. Super full day, got loads of work done, generator serviced in Houston, bills paid, girls are set for week without me. Had a craving for dinner so asked for Ben's support to make me some pho.. Was so good. Still had to pack.. Knocked it out and still got in some couch time before bed. RL 4 for asking for what I wanted.

Day 30 and I'm about to embark on the best self care of the month - MY VACATION. This is a huge risk for me because I'm leaving ALLwork at home. No laptop, no notepad, no nothing. No lists of stuff to do or think about - it'll all be here when I get back. Falacos is closed for the week and my girls will be taking care of the office as usual. For me to unplug and detach from all work and emails is a HUGE challenge for me. I've asked for Ben's support to keep me accountable and I'll ask the same of our friends when we arrive tonight - if they see or hear me talking about work, to please point out I'm on vacation. We are driving to PCB, FL today and I. CAN'T. WAIT. It's here!! And I will savor every minute and relaaaaaaax. It's been one helluva year so far and I deserve it. RL 10
This self care challenge has shown me so much this past month... How it feels to put me first and take it slow. How to make time for myself and be ok, without any guilt, when I treat myself. It's still there but getting easier. New habits are starting to stick and more to come. I love you all.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Week 20. A week to dream.

Grateful this morning I have some personal time before Falacos time and I get to use my morning to do some yoga, meditate, have breakfast and quality time with Benny and settle in and catch up on my reflections. Life is good. :)

On week 20's morning call, Anjali and I talked a lot about my focus and where it takes me. I've been working on practicing self care every day and honestly, my daily efforts haven't been all that... when I'm so busy with Falacos, my self care kinda goes out the window and I don't take care of myself til the day is over. It's like I'm in work mode for 8-12 hours and never stop to focus on my physical or mental needs.. and making the time for myself feels almost impossible.

Since opening Falacos, most of my focus and anxiety surrounds money. It's been a fun but rocky start in this business, learning how to be flexible with weather and truck issues, having to spend money I didn't have/want to spend to keep business going. I know things won't always go my way, and being flexible is a key component to my serenity. I noticed something different about my 2 businesses... Insurance business, I don't worry about money and the money is always there, bills paid, all is good and we are growing.  Food truck business, I ALWAYS worry about money and the money continually seems to elude me and go away. Huh. INTERESTING.  When I trust it'll be there, it will be... and when I don't, it seems to be just beyond my grasp. Something to seriously examine and flip the switch on.

I noticed having music on all the time is really helping me ground and get back into my body. I'm mindful to have it playing when I'm doing food prep by myself - keeps my mind happy and helps me stay focused on what I'm doing and not rolling through lists in my head.

I'd been feeling kinda numb inside, not all too energetic or passionate... burnt out, maybe. Not feeling like my purpose is right in front of me anymore. I really started seeing how my lack of self care had brought me to this condition. Just going through the motions every day and hoping enough money came in to cover bills is NOT what I started this for... this is not  how I wanna do things. My focus got twisted.

Anjali gave me an awesome assignment this week.... to DREAM. What IS my ideal schedule? If I could work any schedule possible, what would that look like? For my business and for me?  What schedule do I want to keep and am I hitting my target market? What time of day or days of week do I want to work? She also asked, am I honoring my own energy? If I lack self care, my business reflects it... my outsides are a direct reflection of my insides.  If I am busy busy on the outside of me, swirling in chaos all the time, I am really sad and low on the inside and wondering, why am I doing this again?  However... when I am grounded, stable and focused - THAT is the foundation I want for my business. How to make it successful? It starts with me.

She asked me to close my eyes and do a little meditation... clear my thoughts and then picture my truck, Evelyn. What do I see? I immediately started crying because what my mind showed me hit me to my core... I saw my truck, so bright and beaming an intense yellow light - and she was trapped in a cage. I knew something major is holding me back, holding my dreams back from becoming reality - and it's rooted in my self care. There's something I'm not getting, some piece I'm not applying to my life and it's impacting my results. I kinda already had some ideas on this, what I need to start doing to initiate this shift in my world, but I committed to taking the week to really reflect on this and decide exactly what my dream schedule would look like, including all the self care I need.

Anjali also pointed out something that made perfect sense... I've been wanting to call and connect with some doctors and hospitals, making new friends with professionals who know about a plant based diet and what it does - but these calls are something on a long list of "hey I wanna do this stuff for my business" and everything on that list is a priority but none of it is happening... it's something I want to do, but right now, I am lacking the focus and peacefulness within to be drawing these people to me.  My chaotic energy can be transmitted through a phone call and if I don't 'have the time' to be making these calls, these doctors won't 'have the time' for me either.  This makes perfect sense to me - I must put out what I want to get back.  I need to chill, find my focus, meditate for awhile on WHY I am reaching out to these people, what do I want to accomplish with them? Really stop and think on this for a bit... and don't call them until AFTER I go on vacation in a couple weeks.  It's important to approach people with a peaceful and positive energy.

For those following along, here are my daily 'self care shares' up through Week 20's call, which was on 8/22. The realizations I've had in this 30 day exercise have been really something... and they're totally getting me to see - IF I WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL, SELF CARE IS REQUIRED.

Day 5. Overslept this morning and was late to networking meeting. Did well - didn't panic and get in a crazy chaos rush. "I'm already late, don't freak out, I'm never late for this, take your time, don't speed either."
Went to chiropractor. Got worked on and in vibrating heated traction chair for 20 mins. Almost got a nap. This is a self care thing I do once a week, have been for about a month now.
Then found out Dawn is coming!!!! HOLY SHIT it's been too long. We get to hang and catch up - last 2 times we've seen each other in the last 2 years we staffed Basic together and didn't get much US time. It will also be the first time me, Dawn and Storme Hannan Xoxo get to be in same place same time. What a trip, our Pathways family is gonna be together.. To love on our old friend Kate and her family on Sunday. It's gonna be so wonderful, I was cryin big crocodile tears when it started sinkin in. To the support givers and receivers, THANK YOU.
Did a bunch of other errands nstuff, then went home and had a 2 hour nap. Had lots of things to do, but still so tired. Starting to think I may need some iron and other minerals, likely depleted from all the sweating I've been doing. Having to tell myself it's ok to rest.. Slowing down isn't easy for me. Reminder: I'm allowed to rest and guilt is an option. I can choose compassion and patience instead. RL 6
My name is Courtney Weidner and I am a dynamic, intimate, decisive and limitless woman. My purpose is to create a patient and loving world by teaching others acceptance and compassion. *sigh*
Let it begin with me.

Day 6. A full day. Ended it by trudging through and crossing something else off the procrastination list - reconciled 2 months of bank statements for 4 accounts and paid some bills. REALLY didn't want to, but getting something crossed off that list feels good. One less thing. Fighting the urge to procrastinate some more was heavy. RL 7
Tonight, dark chocolate and Cutthroat Kitchen.

Day 7. First day with new Falacos employee, Nora. So far, she's everything on my wish list. Even bilingual - Bulgarian and Russian. Such a cool chick, vegan, universe sent at the perfect time. This learning to let go and trust thing is getting easier. The universe provides it all if I trust myself enough to try what crosses my path. This involves taking my head off. Lol
Needed support getting home, had to drop truck off for weekend event, called a friend and we did dinner. Was so good to catch up.
Started a new book today, Proteinaholic. Already loving it.
Had moments of solitude today but didn't ground.. In hindsight I was in my head a lot today, had many things to execute by certain times. Will be practicing this on the couch here in just a minute. House to myself.
Tried a new face conditioner tonight.. liking it.
Biggest self care challenge of today - letting go of the condition of my house. Dawn comes tomorrow and I've got the usual dust and cat hair everywhere and I'm not gonna clean it. Too tired. Dawn, you get me and my dirty house. Lol (I know you don't give two shits anyways so easier to let go.) RL 6

Day 8. What a love filled day. Surprises and lots of laughs and hugs and catching up... Still more to come. 😊
Self care came tonight when I decided to NOT hit the grocery store on the way home for supplies for tomorrow. After an 11 hour food truck day, my ass is spent. Will get some sleep, then hit the store in the morning. A healthy procrastination. About to shower, hit the couch for a bowl of cereal and an episode of Cutthroat Kitchen, then rest. Only one more day of food truck crazy and will get to enjoy Sunday with my closest peeps. Sleepin in Sunday is gonna be so fine.
RL 2. I'm tired enough that ENOUGH, is enough today. Not much of a risk to postpone the shopping.
TWCI: Happy and blessed.
Update: That shower.. The little voice said "you can shower tomorrow too! Ben's not home, can go to bed dirty, it's ok"... And no it's not ok! My ass been sweating all day, covered in oil and funk and I suddenly had huge resistance to taking a shower. RL 7 cuz I really wanted to procrastinate a shower too. That urge was WAY strong. So glad I pushed thru and did it anyways. Now, I can really relax.

Day 9. Home very late, was hungry so had some cereal, stayed up til 4:30 talking with Dawn. While staying up late may not have been a good physical self care choice, I was busy tending to my heart and soul... so full and happy. RL 3

Day 10. Set alarm to sleep in til 12:30. Knew I'd sleep later and we had benefit to attend today. Took advantage of as much sleep as I could. Splurged at live auction and treated myself to a Starbucks basket and a Yankee candle basket of goodies. Money went to a wonderful cause, so that helped me to spoil myself. I frequently have buyers remorse when buying things for myself. RL 7

Day 11. Had about a 3 hour nap for sleep last night, took Dawn to airport, came home and took another nap for 2 hrs before my lunch appt. No real risk there... I was beyond tired.
Went to both al-anon and CoDA meetings tonight, feeling peaceful and free.
Tonight I'm cooking myself a good dinner and will be going to bed soon after. Very tempted to veg out on couch for awhile but I know I need to take care of myself and get sleep. RL 6

Day 12.  Went to chiropractor this morning, got some good exercises to do to help with tension. Will be doing them again here in just a few.
Decided late in day I wanted to hit another CoDA meeting so I texted a friend and we went. Not my usual meeting so was good to hear experience, strength and hope from new people. RL 5
Home, ate dinner, jammies, couch... Now for some exercises and cake.

Day 13. Today was weird. Have felt in a fog all day. Slept hard last night, didn't move at all and woke up in sweat. Coulda kept sleeping for hours, plan to catch up on sleep this weekend for sure.
Asked Mom for support on some work stuff, totally took a load off my mind. Sometimes I get confused ("I have difficulty identifying how I'm feeling" - CoDA) and feel guilty for passing the buck, rather than seeing it as delegation and asking for support. Hmm. I woulda kept it to myself, continued procrastinating and beating myself up for not getting it done when she could easily do it.
What do I get out of not delegating/asking for support?? Yet ANOTHER thing to stay on my list that I get to beat myself up over. WTF?! What IS this shit?! RL 7
Set a new record - ended food truck day at scheduled time, cleaned and packed up, parked truck and got home in under an hour. Even got to kiss Benny goodbye before he left for work. That's EPIC. *happy dance*
Ready for some jammies and dinner. And Cutthroat Kitchen. I swear I'm addicted to this show. Lol

Day 14. Noticing when I'm thick in Evelyn all day, I make few opportunities for self care. Hmm.
I had a badass meeting with Sherri and a potential new client today. Ate a filling lunch today. Eating is a chore I have to make time for. Sales better today, didn't rain on me. Thankful. Home now, about to eat some leftovers, laundry goin and I'm ready to melt into the couch.
Seeing where I live in chaos all day, disconnected, monkey brain on a million ideas and shoulds... Struggling to be in moment. Being honest with myself about where I am. I don't like what I see. Then the guilt because others I know are in a really bad spot right now. Training the brain to think happy thoughts and be grateful. RL 6

Day 15. More mindful today. While driving, chopping veggies, whatever it was, I was sure to keep my focus on the task at hand. Strayed a lot but brought my attention back, soon as I caught the drift.
Made sure I listened to music today. My spirits are more charged when listening to music while working. Need to make this a thing. Music enhances the "this doesn't feel like work" feeling I naturally have while on the truck. Today was fun and I got a lot done. I sang and danced a bit, too. Such a difference.
Spent some time in office after working lunch gig and cleaned out emails. HOLY SHIT I got my main email down to 27 unread. This is HUGE to have done that - that email is an anxiety trigger for me and I just cleaned it up big time. It was over 300 again. One more thing off the procrastination list. Celebrating this and feeling more than enough. RL 8

Day 16.  Enjoyed myself while working Falacos at Houston Pagan Pride Day. I loved being around my tribe - old guys with rainbows and blue hair, women openly and comfortably breastfeeding in public, acceptance and love for all. Such an amazing group of spirits. They loved the food, too.
Home late, showered and finally sat down after midnight. A very long day.
Washed sheets before bed so I'd have clean sheets to sleep in on. RL 6

Day 17. Slept in til about 9:30. Numb arms and thunder woke me earlier than I wanted.
Spent afternoon with Mom and Aunt Bridgett and visited Grandma. It was so good to see her. She's getting more frail and memory not what it was. I'm glad she's in this new home with 24 hour care... She needs it.
Came home and was overwhelmed with "shoulds" staring me in the face. So loud. But Benny was sleeping and I wanted to stay quiet. I grabbed my new book and sat on the back porch reading for about an hour. Realized I was feeling sleepy so laid on the couch. Cats laid on me and in minutes I'm OUT. Woke up about 8:30 when Ben got up. A long nap and a day full of wants and no shoulds. This day of rest is what I needed. No judgment. No guilt. RL 9

Day 18. Today was a powerful shift.
Had call with coach Anjali this morning.. I swear, I cry every time we talk. She helps unveil things, awareness I can't describe. Today I shared with her my realizations about my self care and how it lacks and how the last 17 days of self care challenges haven't been big ones. Not really. Yesterday was the first biggie so far, and only because of the guilt I felt for doing what I wanted instead of what I felt I should. And being ok with it. I've not started changing behaviors that really enhance my self care. Why? Cuz that would be hard. DUH.
We also discussed self care and how it's tied to abundance and if I don't honor myself and practice good self care, making myself my number one priority, how am I really shining? How can the universe give me what I want if I spend all my time worrying about money or other people? How can I truly give myself to others if my well is empty? I know better.
I admitted my realization about money worry... How it doesn't exist in my insurance business and it thrives.. But I fear loss of money in my food truck and money seems to escape me there. Plus, I focus and stress on money rather than being grateful and feeling passionate about owning a business I created to inspire and educate people. I didn't do this for the money, I did it because I believe in it and the message we are getting out there. So why has my focus shifted to a fear of losing money?
She had me do a meditation today... Visualizing my food truck and what did I see? What did it look like? I instantly started crying from my closed eyes... My Evelyn was glowing bright yellow and she was trapped in a cage. It took my breath away. I suddenly knew... My next level exists beyond this lesson of self care. I'm not gonna soar until I get this straight. I am limitless but if I'm not loving myself through actions of daily self care, I'll keep hitting walls.
Had a wonderful dinner with Diane tonight. I appreciate our friendship so much and the conversations we have... I see new things and get ideas and I'm excited to journal on my next exercise from Anjali - writing down what my dream schedule would look like. A routine of self care and working and everything I wanna make time for... What does that look like? I'm about to find out. Coach Bob asked me to do this last year and I was floored to stumble across that piece of paper TODAY. Last year I wrote out my "dream" work week starting 12/1/15... And that's EXACTLY what I have today. FREAKY. So... Now it becomes my daily schedule, all day long. Specifics. If I write it down, it will manifest. It's happened enough times for me now, I know how powerful that is... Time to get to dreamin. RL 8

Monday, August 8, 2016

Week 18 & 19. Self care, baby... all the way.

Last Monday was week 18 with Anjali. Reflected on my procrastination and what that's all about. Ya know, "they say" most people have some kinda trauma in our childhood that impacts us for the rest of our lives.. and I believe this to be true.

When I was little, I remember I used to come straight home after school and work on my homework. If a project was assigned, I was all over it and had it done super early. I zoomed through books and got my book reports done... and at some point, that totally stopped and I started procrastinating.  I think I've figured out why.

I lost my dad when I was 9, he passed suddenly. At that young age, I started taking responsibility for it and told myself "if I had been there, I could have saved him" and the self abuse started. There's no way I could have saved him, but I told  myself that anyways. I became extremely depressed and one day turned in something at school that was borderline suicidal sounding and my teacher told my mom - then I started therapy. I blamed myself for his death because I didn't save him. I believe this is when my codependency was born. I made it my subconscious mission to try and save everyone in my life I believed needed saving. The procrastination started because it was something I could do that would give me a reason to fuel the self abuse... when I got things done I felt good inside... and apparently, I didn't think I deserved to feel good anymore. I blamed myself for everything around me that caused me pain and obsessed with how to fix it all. Rather than focusing on me and the things I CAN control - like getting things done early and on time. Hmm.

Anjali asked if I thought I am an introvert or extrovert and do I know the diff? I thought I knew but she clarified - extroverts get energy and recharge from interactions with other people and introverts get energy and recharge in solitude, by being with ourselves only. While the recent alone time (while Ben working nights) has been hard to adjust to, not knowing what to do with myself and it feels odd, I'm realizing how healthy and helpful this alone time has been - I get to be with myself and work on ME and it's insane how different and BETTER I feel. I suspected I was an introvert and the last week has shown me how right I was.

Week 18 assignment: Take note of my pockets of solitude. Observe when I am completely alone and how often does it happen? How do I feel during that time? Just observe.

Since week 18's call, in the last week I accepted a challenge from my friend Dawn regarding self care.  Self care is the one department I struggle with the most.. always others before me. And I know this is dangerous and not how I can operate most efficiently - deep inside I know I cannot be the best version of myself if I don't actively practice self care.  I can give all of me away and keep nothing for myself and then I'm totally drained. We made commitments to each other to check in daily on the 30 risks in 30 days Pathways group we're in, sharing what self care acts we did for the day and what risk level they are.  I've decided that I am going to start copying and pasting my daily shares here on this blog for a couple of reasons - 1. It's reminding me of what I'm doing, how it helps me and why I need to keep it up and 2. If anything I share may inspire someone else, I wanna put it out there. We are not alone and I know others are more like me than I realize or see sometimes.

This morning was week 19's check in call. I shared with Anjali I noticed I get lots of pockets of time to myself, always in the shower and I drive alone a lot... the objective this week is to get a new focus and use this time to empower myself and recharge. (I'll share more on this in my post from today, Day 4 of self care challenge.)  We also discussed my thoughts and their vibrations.. with the Law of Attraction, I know I must raise my own vibration, what am I generating with my own thoughts and emitting to the world?  If I raise my vibration, the abundance will come. Worrying about money and how I'll pay for truck repairs lowers my vibe and keeps solutions at bay, a useless mental activity, worry is... instead, I must practice new mental exercises.  The old imprints are there, Anjali said... and it will take time to make new programming.


So here we go. 😉 after a good chat with Dawn Mathis, we agreed to do a new kinda 30/30, one involving self care and doing one thing every day, sharing it to each other. Figured we could post it here cuz as Dawn pointed out, self care is a risk for us. I am a machine that never turns off and I tend to keep going and going and never stopping to rest, treat myself or just be still. It feels weird. Like I should be doing something - there's so much to do! But I know I need to recharge, slow down, ground, be present and relax.
For the next 30, I'll post something daily, even the small things, to check in with my self care action of the day. I'll also post the risk level, gauged by my feelings of guilt and how uncomfortable I am, how hard the urge is to be doing something else, and how bad I tried to find excuses to not do this self care.
Day 1. Up at 7, a long day of food truckin, driving through Houston with no AC, and scrubbed the kitchen floor. In this heat. Pretty wiped when got home at 7:30.
Self care looks like: showered, jammies, couch with cats, pizza on way and Harry Potter marathon. After posting this, I'll be off the phone, no distractions, just me, pizza, kitties and Harry Potter.
RL 3. I'm so tired, this feels necessary. No objections here. Still a risk to get off the phone at night. ‪#‎phoneaddict‬
Anyone else wanna play? Join on in if self care is a challenge for you. I'm ready for the self lovin habits to stick. 

Day 2. Just had a cry on Benny's shoulder. Drama with truck today, wouldn't start, extreme anxiety, a simple fix (gear shift wasn't clickin into park) but discovered a bigger problem, a bad oil leak. 
😥 Today has been too much. I'm deeper in debt and the low sales tonight is discouraging. Questioning if the universe is trying to turn me away from this or testing my faith. I have big events coming up and a new employee starting next week... But I'm hella bad scared. Very thankful I caught Ben tonight before he left for work - I needed the hugs and reassurances. I've heard it so many times.. Restaurants don't make money the first year. I'm trying to chock it up to that and new business blues coupled with massive unexpected truck repairs... I gotta know the money is just over there. And it'll come. Don't give up.
I'm alone now, reflecting on the roller coaster of this day... This is food truck life. To survive it, I know I gotta stay flexible and positive, calm in the chaos.
Today's self care.. Writing about this day. About to take a hot shower and catch a movie before bed. Maybe some leftover pizza. Unplugging from phone. Telling myself today was ok. There'll be days like this. And it's not everyday. Being grateful the leak was found before I blew an engine. I hooped today. A lot. It's been a long time and it felt good.
Focusing on knowing life stuff happens and it's just stuff. I know the emotion I tie to events and circumstances deems them "good" or "bad" by my ego, which just wants to judge things and feel intense emotions. Being present tonight and reflecting on the stuff without emotion. RL 6

Day 3. Today was 100+ degrees and I was workin truck.. Holy shit it was hot. I made sure I drank tons of water and opted to not do any deep cleaning today. I needed to cool down.
I'm now showered and on the couch having some dinner with more Harry Potter.. But the urge to be doing something else is strong right now. Benny is home working tonight and I feel like I should be doing something. I feel guilty about my ass being on the couch while he's up doin his thing. But I know this is my down time and his up time. Focusing on being present, not hiding in this phone scrolling FB to distract from feeling like I should be crossing something off my list... Instead... I worked hard today. My body needs to rest and recharge. I put in my hard workin hours today. And it was enough. RL 5

Day 4. Morning started with taking Evelyn (my food truck) to mechanic to determine oil leak and fix before a bigger issue happens. Anxious and worried first thing this morning.
9 am call with coach Anjali.. Such a good check in. Last week my goal was to find pockets of solitude and take note of when I get to be alone and recharge (I'm an introvert and need alone time to reground and get energy)... Now I know when I get those moments and this week, the focus is to reset myself during those times. First, physically check in and relax any tension I'm carrying... Then relax it some more. Next focus on breathing and slow it way down. Then and only then can I set the course of my thoughts. I cannot force them to change without physically grounding first. To set the stage for clearer and more positive thoughts, I must first physically slow down and relax. A good exercise for me this week.
I had office meeting with girls today and we have a new meeting format:
Two word check in
3 minute share: what am I proud/happy about that happened this week, where am I struggling and what support do I need? (Could be work related or personal)
Pick education/training topic for next week
When it got to me, I shared my successes and struggles with truck this weekend, the anxiety I'm still working thru and working to let go and trust the universe... On the support I need I paused.. Couldn't think of anything but to say "I'm so tired." I am physically so beat from working in heat all weekend.. One said "do you NEED to do anything today?" "Seriously Court, we got this, go home and have a nap." "It can wait til tomorrow."
All 4 of them were kicking me out so I could take care of myself. Inside I was like "noooo I have so much to do!!" and in that moment I'm like "dude, they're right. They can support me right now so I can take care of myself." I agreed to leave but didn't leave for another 2 hours as I stood at my desk and went thru emails.. I hear them saying "she's still here!" and "woman, go HOME!" and I finally left at 3:30.
Got home, laid on couch, set alarm for 5:30 so I could hit Alanon at 6... Totally slept thru alarm and stirred awake at 7. Shocked I slept that hard and long but got up and made it to CoDA for 7:30 meeting and holy shit... it was powerful.
Between coaching call, a nap and my meeting, today was a VERY good day of self care. RL 5 for letting go of my urge to wanna keep working and listening to my support system.

I am looking forward to my solitude this week and using that time to relax every bit of me and setting the stage for the positive thoughts I want to think - the things in my control, how I want to be, my vibration, how I can let my light out, etc. I am what I think. Don't force positive thought, ask my mind if I can change my frequency and what would that look like? Then do it. 

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Weeks 15, 16 & 17.. Time to purge and declutter this space I'm in.

This is about to be one helluva brain dump.

It’s been a long time. Too long. So long, today I reached a point where I’m seeing my procrastination as damaging, not working for me, creating more anxiety and stress and something I get to beat up on myself about. Writing this blog is one of those things I have on my daily list of “I need to do this, shoulda done it weeks ago, I see I keep putting it off, what’s one more day” stuff. These things are getting in the way of my serenity BIG TIME and it’s time to let them go.

I’m behind on posts, so I’ll back it up.

7/11/16, week 15.  
On our call, I told Anjali about this new book I got (after seeing a friend posting about it on FB) “The Joy of Less” and it’s been changing my world already.  The new goal this week was to start eliminating things.  Set a timer for 15 minutes 3xweek or discard one thing each day to trash or donate. Nothing too crazy – one drawer at a time, not trying to tackle a whole room. 

Also, resume meditating because I’ve completely stopped doing it. Anjali emailed me a google spreadsheet to log my 5 minutes of meditation each day and the time of day I did it. This has been going well and I’m keeping it updated. Also on the spreadsheet I put notes about what decluttering I did that day.  If I don’t keep it updated at least every 3 days, she will check in on me to keep me accountable – which is what I need, I perform better if I’m reporting to someone else. Supports me in keeping my integrity with myself.

Anjali noticed how I was beating myself up over the bedtime issue… cuz I still struggle with getting to bed by 10 or 11. Food truck life has my schedule all over the place and then I’m upset with myself for not being able to be in bed when I made my life so that’s not possible… how jacked is that? I am getting 6-8 hours of sleep a night, just not the ideal 8 hour time frame of 10pm-6am. I am mindful to practice self care with my sleep as often as possible – i.e. if I get to bed late and am able to sleep in til 8 or 9 to get in the extra hours, schedule permitting, I take that extra time and sleep.

My notes from this call:
  • Learning to drive… did I start on the freeway or in an empty parking lot? Meditate a little each day. Start slow. 
  • 3xweek purge something. Drawer, under bed, shelf, bathroom. Items I don’t use have stagnant energy and blocking the way of other things.
  • Write blog! (and now that’s getting done.. see? Procrastinated on it 2 weeks, documented. LOL)
  • My thoughts before taking action… anything negative? Find a positive energy. What do I want? Focus on THAT. Visualize. 
  • Taking actions outside of myself that I’m not happy or proud of and say I want to change. Eating sugar... Saying I need to start exercising… if this is what I want, observe what INSIDE is triggering the action. What is the thought behind it? What do I want to accomplish or create for myself? The things outside of me don’t bring me relief. ****After lots of reflection on this, I’m starting to see what it is, I think… wanting to feel different. From a sugar rush or exercise endorphin release, there’s something inside wanting to feel different. Somewhere other than where I am, my current state or environment. Why? Not too sure... perhaps the belief that just BEING isn’t good enough? Sitting in the space I’m in isn’t adequate or fulfilling enough? Need to add some external actions to change how I feel, cuz this moment isn’t enough? Hmm. More to reflect on for sure. And there’s that “enough” word again. 
  • When I worry about business, most often I see a drop in business. When stressed I don’t think as well, mind is fuzzy... and the stress repels things. I see it’s hard to let the energy flow and abundance come when my mind is all wrapped up in “what ifs”. 

7/18/16, week 16. 
Reflected back on the prior week… and I love how Anjali always says “so tell me what’s new and good” because it catches me and gets me to focus on positive things… most times, my brain is already in a “oh shit you didn’t do all your goals this week” and the self abuse has begun. She is so good to get me to focus on the WINs and not my damn toaster. (Not sure if I’ve blogged to y’all about what my toaster is… will share that sometime. Some of you know… in a nutshell, it’s the code word for how I single out the things that didn’t get done and hyper focus on them, rather than acknowledging and celebrating all the things I DID get done. I have a habit of making lists of epic proportions that aren’t attainable and set myself up to feel like a failure.) The purging went well this week, did my drawers and cleared out 2 garbage bags of clothes.  Didn’t purge one thing EVERY day, but that’s ok. I made progress. 

Notes from this call:
  • Anjali pointed something out… every physical item has energy. When it’s not used or stored away, outta sight outta mind, that energy becomes stagnant and it blocks things from flowing in my life. I can TOTALLY feel that. Every physical item in my view demands attention. My eyes fall on it and I process what it is, where it came from, do I use it, will I use it, damn that’s dusty, I wonder if someone I know might want that, maybe I should donate that, and it goes on and on in lightning fast speed. But yet I walk on by it… without dusting it or using it, but my brain is still on it. This happens for me all day every day. Man, I should really organize that... or wipe that down… or, or, or… and all that does is drain my energy, add more stuff to the infinitely long list of things to do in the back of my head. I instinctually process my surroundings for safety and to be aware of what is in my space… and with all this stuff, it’s a LOT to process! Seeing how less STUFF will give my brain less to focus on!
  • During meditation if my brain wants to think, focus on affirmations. I am peaceful. I am full. I am happy. Say them as if I am already, without anything from the outside. Focus on these thoughts.
  • Morning ritual: Wake, drink 8-16 oz water, do morning yoga exercises to help with poo. Pooing is so important. I’m thankful that since I’ve gone mostly vegan, my poo is like clockwork each morning. (PSA: If you don’t poo every day, please see a doctor. Gluten or something else may be an issue for your guts, it’s healthy to poo daily.) Regardless of my regularity, Anjali pointed out it’s important for gut health to do these basic yoga poses to help with the flow. **Admittedly, the first week I watched the video she sent a few times, but didn’t do them – didn’t have the time before I needed to go! Lol.. we covered this again in next weeks’ call. 
  • Blog: new – do 5 exercises. **See, AGAIN I made a note to get this blog done, and didn’t do it. Boy howdy, this procrastination has been intense!

7/24/16, week 17.
This was a tough call. I’ve started seeing all the chaos I’ve created in my life and how my commitments have been a total time vampire and I claim they are all consuming… but are they? Feels that way… been feeling resentful and wanting to pack it all up and do something drastically different, just to get away from all the stuff and the noise. The political climate has me very uneasy (to put it mildly) and my surroundings aren’t comfortable. The energy is thick and not a vibration I like. I’m scared of the future, really. I’ve been focusing on my own space and the things I CAN control in my world, to feel a little more secure and safe… and the desire to purge material things to free up space and energy, living more simply without all the visual stimulation of stagnant stuff I don’t use, these are external actions of “letting go”.. but Anjali dug deeper. What else do I need to let go of? Besides material stuff? If I want to let go of things and live with less, what I am trying to accomplish? How do I want to feel, having done all that? What’s my goal? When decluttering my bathroom this week, I stumbled across this little note card I got from an Al-Anon buddy. Oh how perfect the timing. It is now on my bathroom mirror for a daily reflection.

This is a very deep question that’s had my mind spinning all week. On the call, I could only think of a couple of things like services I’m paying for that I don’t use/need. Things I can turn off and save money… cuz ultimately, my goal is to be able to survive on very little because ideally, I won’t NEED a lot of money for anything. Sure, being totally financially set would be great and I can travel and never have to worry about bills… so I’m working my ass of NOW so I can retire early. (At least, that’s the idea… pay things off so I’m out of debt and only need a little money to maintain.. and enjoy retirement while I’m still young and able to do a bunch of stuff.) Other things I’m starting to see are clouding my energy space and my mind, blocking abundance and feeling free: Assumed obligations, things I feel I should take control of because I know I’m capable. (Just because I CAN, doesn’t mean I SHOULD. These things consume so much of my time.) Commitments I made that aren’t serving me. Agreements I subconsciously or consciously made with myself that now have me feeling anchored, suffocating. My obsession with other peoples’ lives and thinking up my own solutions to their problems (thankfully I have a 12 step program for that – Codependents Anonymous – and I finally got back to a meeting the same night as this call, it’s been months since I’ve gone to my meetings and OMG have I felt the difference. YIKES.)  I have so many thoughts and beliefs that really aren’t working for me anymore. SO many things to let go of, Anjali… so many. 

"Codependence is a deeply-rooted, compulsive behavior."  And I'm ready to let it go. Being back in a meeting was what I've been needing. I never should have left. Thankful to have found my way back, those meetings help in ways I can't explain. Those that know... 

Today is 7/31/16 and it’s the first day off I’ve had in awhile. Been going non-stop between insurance, BNI and Falacos for last several weeks and I’ve been exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Just kinda numb, really… Woke up today, had some coffee and continued reading “The Joy of Less” on the back porch for a couple of hours. Got inspired, purged some things, experimented with some chickpea donuts and sat and wrote a list of “looming things” I need to get done. Things that are important and I think about EVERY DAY, and beat myself up over because they are still undone. DAMN TOASTER AGAIN!! GAH!! After thinking about it, I changed the list name to “things I procrastinate on” because that is a truthful title without the negative connotation of “looming”.

Today I decided one of the things I need to let go of is procrastination… because it’s slowly killing my mojo and passion, thereby keeping me depressed. I’m overwhelmed to the point of short circuiting every day, living on the beat up bus and I just FREEZE. I get a “fuck it all” attitude and just want to check out and watch TV. I now know this is anxiety – the feeling of having a mountain of things to do and it being so heavy, I choose to do none of it to avoid it all. But it’s STILL THERE. There is no escape. My only solution is to start tackling this list one thing at a time, just like one drawer at a time, so I can be FREE. 

Accountability time… my list of “things I procrastinate on”… time to get real.
  • Write blog
  • Do the digestion yoga exercises daily
  • Catch up Ben’s bookkeeping 
  • Clean out my ckw email (it’s over 500 now, most of which I’ve read from phone just haven’t cleaned out outlook on work computer.)
  • Declutter house, a little each day.
  • Visit grandma
  • Visit Vanessa (Ben’s older sister who’s fighting brain cancer right now)
  • Turn off services I’m not using
  • Meet with Fitz and get her all access to Farmers site and FB so she can do posts and manage content (but first, I gotta gather the info to give to her, that’s a step in itself).

This list overwhelms me because each thing will take quite a bit of time to do. The challenge is to let go of the statement “I don’t have time” and take ownership of “I don’t make the time”. Cuz that’s the truth. I get 24 hours a day, just like everyone else, and I choose what to do with it. Period. No excuses. 

Today, no toaster. I will celebrate the fact that I finished my book (it’s been FOREVER since I actually finished a book, start them but never finish) and I’m excited to start becoming more of a minimalist (hell, I wanna live in a tiny house and travel around in a school bus, so I better start parting with all this stuff!), I tried a new recipe, I made a VERY important list and have already knocked off the first thing on the list by sitting down and writing out this blog. BOOM. One day at a time. Slowly but surely, I will make change happen… and I’ll be happier. Tired of being on that beat up bus, so I must train my brain to celebrate, pat myself on the back and say “dude, you kicked ass today, look at all the great stuff you did!” and not focus on the rest of the list. Be realistic, Courtney. Yes, I own 2 businesses and I’m involved in a helluva lotta stuff and I somehow think time grows on trees… Easy does it. Eliminate. Create space and stop procrastinating. Or should I say (to keep it out of the negative) – I am peaceful and have good time management. I let go of things that don’t serve me. I am ok doing one thing at a time. I am happy with what I accomplished today. I am productive. I am free of worry and dread. I am full. I AM ENOUGH.