Sunday, February 7, 2016

Week #3 - I need more meditation time!

I'm really amazed by what all can happen in a week.  I'm glad I'm keeping track of these things in a weekly blog because it helps me see where I used to be and to celebrate my changes and successes, something I need more of in my life. :)

Check in from last week:
  • Bedtime at 11:30?  Not exactly... but what I DID realize is that before I started this work, I used to make my way towards bed anywhere from 11:50-12:20, finally getting IN bed around 12:20-1 am... while I may not be in bed at 11:30 exactly every night, I am getting IN bed before midnight, consistently.. and THAT is a new thing!!  That means I've actually rolled back my bedtime schedule about an hour, which is a big deal!  I am not beating myself up for not hitting 11:30 exactly but I am celebrating that I'm now consistently IN bed before midnight on week nights. That's awesome!
  • Sleep app continues! Using it to monitor my bedtime and wake up time to see how many hours of sleep I'm getting a night.
  • Wake up time of 6 or 7 also working well, will continue that!
  • 5 minute meditation... this went so well so quickly, after a couple days I decided 5 minutes wasn't nearly long enough.  It was over in a blip!  Set timer for another 5 minutes a couple of times. :)
Things were going well, and then something else interesting happened last week... I got angry.  Kinda a long story, details aren't important... but I told a friend I was angry. That's not something I do, usually.. But it was all I could think of to say.. Being honest about my emotions in that moment.  I could have avoided, not responded, hid my anger... But I didn't.

I am currently working Step 1 in Codependents Anonymous. One of the characteristics is "I have trouble identifying what I am feeling." I never thought I had a problem identifying what I felt, until that day.

I was spun up with thoughts and anxious.. Realized I was triggered (which led me down another path of reflection) and I felt the urge to say "I'm angry", so I did. I have always been so IN an emotion, I never step out to say "I am feeling this right now". When I did, it suddenly made it finite.

The interesting part is, later on, I was able to see where I kinda stepped out of the anger when I questioned what was triggered inside of me.. I became inquisitive to the source and observed my emotion like an ant farm... When I walked into my breakfast appointment right after this, I was able to set the anger emotion down like a glass of water.  For the first time ever, I felt anger, IDENTIFIED IT, then stepped beyond it all within about 10 minutes. 

I've had a whole lot of reflection after this happened and I found out why I was triggered. The circumstance reminded me of some past pain on a very subconscious level and I was judging the entire situation - and as a result, I was left feeling yucky on the inside. The way I felt was 100% in my control and it was all because of something that happened to me long ago. I didn't have to associate the 2 things - one was today and outside of me, the other was 10+ years ago and way in the past... but they connected somehow in my brain and flared up that deep feeling I used to have, as if it were yesterday.  That's CRAZY!! How do our brains do that? Truly fascinating, when I really observe it.

The other thing I took from this lesson was how emotion can REALLY influence my choices.  When I'm IN an emotion, the thoughts I think and the things I say are greatly impacted by the haze of that emotion, almost like I'm in an inebriated state, a cloud, a haze... When triggered and in pain, thoughts are dark and I want to shoot that pain out, sometimes not realizing who is on the receiving end of it. When I'm super happy and joyful, I let that emotion out too, not realizing who around me may be in the wake of my super happy fun time.  Either way, the people around me may not really want or appreciate my emotional cloud in their airspace. I know I have allowed other peoples' emotions to be imprinted on me and I pick up those energies and have matched those moods.  

I think I'm in a phase of life where I am aware of and choosing to not pick up other peoples' energies anymore. I'm also being very mindful of where and how I export my emotional energy. I'm seeing where emotional energies can have a positive or negative vibration and they cause internal drama.  The "bad" emotions make us feel bad and the "good" emotions make us feel really good... until they fade away or something "bad" happens to take them away and it's this constant cycle of feeling bad then good again... 

I'm ready to get off the merry go round. I'm ready to just BE. I'm ready to accept and be grateful for all that happens. The sun came up today, my eyes opened today, I have another opportunity to do something with this day.  What will I do?  I'm not really sure.. I have limitless options in front of me... one thing is for sure, though - I will practice gratitude all day to stay in the moment. And no judgment. :)

New actions for this week:
  • Maintain all activities from last week!
  • Increase morning meditation from 5 minutes to 10 minutes
  • On mornings I don't have to get up super early, have one form of breakfast all week - trying juicing or oatmeal for a week each, see if there is any difference in how I feel. Raw breakfast vs warm breakfast in winter months - which does my body like more? 
It's a beautiful day outside today... time for some sunshine! 

How will you make your day great today?

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